The One: Making a Music Star

The One, July 18: Season Premiere, Who Will Be “The One?” by Donna Reynolds -- 07/19/2006 ABC brings us yet another reality/talent show, The One, and this week, the series kicked off with a bang. Or maybe it was a whimper. Donna’s not too sure, but she’s back with a recap of the show. Read on for all the details. Welcome to The One, the latest entry into the wacky world of reality/talent shows. This show promises to take us “behind the scenes to see eleven talented performers share the opportunity of a lifetime as they learn from successful music business professionals, while competing for a major recording contract.” We will have a chance to watch as these talented artists work go through hours of preparation for their weekly live performances. Viewers will be able to vote by phone, text, or online, and the results will be announced the following night. Sound familiar? Before we begin, let’s run down the list of key players for The One.: The contestants include: Nick Brownell, 21, Sandusky, OH; Austin Carroll, 23, Memphis, TN; Michael Cole, 22, Winston-Salem, NC; Aubrey Collins, 18, Littleton, CO; Caitlin Evanson, 27, Seattle, WA; Scotty Granger, 19, New Orleans, LA; Jadyn Maria, 21, Nashville, TN; Adam McInnis, 25, Jackson, NJ; Jackie Mendez, 23, Miami, FL; Syesha Mercado, 19, Sarasota, FL; and Jeremiah Richey, 25, Waxahachie, TX. The One will also offer us a panel of “music experts” (i.e. judges). Kara DioGuardi is a songwriter who has worked with Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Santana, Ashlee Simpson, Celine Dion, Jewel, Paris Hilton, Enrique Iglesias, Hilary Duff, Kylie Minogue, and The Pussycat Dolls. She is also lead singer for "Platinum Weird" with Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics. Andre Harrell is the former president of Motown Records and founder of Uptown Records who has worked with Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Mary J. Blige, Jodeci, Heavy D and the Boyz, 98 Degrees, and Sean "Puffy" Combs. Mark Hudson is a songwriter, vocal director, musician and record producer who has worked with Celine Dion, Ozzy Osbourne, and the legendary Ringo Starr. He co-wrote Aerosmith's Grammy award-winning "Livin' on the Edge,” and is also a former member of the 1970s group, the Hudson Brothers. Rounding out this cast of characters is the “artist development team,” including vocal coach Roger Love, choreographer Tina Landon, stylist Jennifer Rade, piano teacher rad, personal trainer Mark Jenkins, and guitar instructor Ray Fuller. Our host for this ten-week journey, which is patterned after Spanish Endemol series The One: Making a Music Star, will be George Stroumboulopoulos. Confused yet? And, we’re off. The show opens with a quick rundown of the audition process. Very quick! We are told that one week ago the final 11 entered the "One" camp where they will live together under one roof and “learn from the best.” Mark Hudson tells us about his credentials saying, “Music to me is life.” Kara hopes to be “whatever these kids need me to be.” She talks about how she is going to push them. Andre is there to “find their individuality.” He says that music is the “soul of the generation” and that he once had an intern named Sean (Combs). Tonight, he says, they will perform on the “biggest stage of their lives.” George Stroumboulopoulos (this is the last time I’m spelling out his name!) is overly enthusiastic as he hits the stage. He tells us that the winner will be signed with the Interscope label, and quickly describes the voting process. The contestants kick it off with a group number, Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time.” It’s as cheesy as any Idol group number, which really isn’t saying much. The band is a bit thin. Hey, is that Kellie Pickler? No, sorry. Pardon me as I fumble through this opening show! Can I say that this is weird, very Idol-esque and familiar, while at the same time totally alien. One guy is wearing a Mario Vazquez hat! But some of them are playing instruments, which is kind of neat. The audience is enthusiastic and the contestants leave the stage. George returns and tells us that the contestants are surrounded by the best in the business. He introduces the “music experts.” Mark Hudson, who I should point out has a blue beard, says, “Each and every one of them has it.” “Music Mogul” Andre Harrell thinks that the most challenging thing for any artist is to be an individual. He looks forward to it. Kara DioGuardi says, “You guys have set the tone for an amazing show.” Oh really? I don’t know that I would go that far, Kara. Now we are getting down to business with the first performer, Jackie Mendez. Her parents are Cuban and she grew up in Miami. She wants her music to be a “fusion of the music she grew up with.” Jackie says that she was very close to getting where she wanted, but was labeled as another Latina pop star ala J’Lo. Mark asks her what she will do to separate herself, and she cries. She says that she knows what she wants but wonders whether or not whoever she is working with will understand. “I want this so bad,” she tells us. Jackie sings “Hot Stuff” with a Latin flare. The keyboard is stronger than she is, actually, and the song doesn’t really work… at all. She has a nice voice, but if she wants to separate herself from the J’Lo vibe, she probably should lose the Latin beat. Simon would call her cabaret. I call her inexperienced and colorless. Andre thinks her presentation was spectacular. He says that she looks like a Cuban dessert. Mark was worried, but says she almost changed the color of his beard (which, may I remind you, is blue). Kara says Jackie was great and points out that she “nailed the ending.” Meh. George returns to the stage and tells us that on this show, the contestants will have to live together in one house (ala Rock Star). At the house, there are guitars all over the place, and a piano that Ray Charles used. There’s a quick rundown of all the benefits of living in the house, and hijinks ensue as they take out one contestant’s (Jeremiah Richey’s, we later learn) bed. Nice segue into Jeremiah’s bio. He plays drums and guitar, and tells us that his father left when he was very young. To him, music is about feeling and meaning. He wants to reach people and have them feel what he’s feeling. He’s here to find out where he is musically. Jeremiah is singing Foreigner’s “Waiting For a Girl Like You,” accompanying himself on guitar and wearing his Mario Vazquez hat. He has a strong voice, nice edge, and a lot of passion. But he is holding back, and the song is a tad boring. I am not overly wowed, but see his potential. Kara says that Jeremiah did well, although she tells him that there were some pitch issues. Mark can relate. He tells Jeremiah that his father left him at an early age, and that he can see what goes on in Jeremiah’s head. Andre thinks Jeremiah’s performance was shaky in the beginning, but says that by the end, he was “like a movie star from Texas playing Jeremiah.” Our third performer for the evening is Jadyn Maria, who was born in Puerto Rico, but raised in Nashville, TN. Mariah Carey is her favorite. “Girl got pipes,” she says. Mark is worried that she is overly influenced by her idols, but nothing will deter Jadyn. She’s here to win. Jadyn sings the Supreme’s “Keep Me Hangin’ On.” At least it’s not another Foreigner tune! She is a bit over the top and loses her breath in the middle. She also seems to lose her place in the song. I am thinking very “beauty pageant.” This could be a long, long ten weeks. George asks her what she thinks is going on at home. Jadyn squeals with glee. Then it’s time for our experts to weigh in. Mark says that she didn’t nail the power notes. Andre really likes her, and says she “set him free.” Kara says that Jadyn is hot and sweet. Mark interrupts to add some sanity. He wants her to “reach for the ring.” Syesha Mercado is next, and tells us that she started singing in church. Faith is very important to her and she’s brought her bible along with her. She knows that if she has faith in herself, she can do anything. I like her attitude. Andre does as well. She calls music a form of therapy. Syesha is tackling Aretha’s “Chain of Fools.” I am thinking very, very lounge-y. She’s the best so far, but that really isn’t saying much. She does, however, have a great tone to her voice, and some nice moves for a church girl. Plus she looks pretty hot in her black and white striped dress and black leather boots. Andre advises her not to be too theatrical. He thinks she started out shaky, but by the time she got to the end it was a “soul thing.” Kara says it was too theatrical, and that she wants to feel connected and intimate. Mark says, “You can make a rock 'n roller like me testify.” Gag me. Now we have a chance to see some of what goes on at the “academy.” They will be working on choreography and storytelling in terms of singing the song. Every time Jeremiah is on screen, the girls in the audience scream for him. He must be the fave? We see some late-night fisticuffs and the boys take a dunk into the pool. But Andre isn’t having it. He really rips Michael Cole a new one for drinking the night before. Mark reiterates this message and shakes his head in disgust. Michael must be our resident “bad boy!” Now it’s Michael’s turn. Why does George feel the necessity to introduce himself after each commercial break? Anyway, Michael says he’s a “real” rocker. He started playing guitar when he was three and it made his fingers bleed. He doesn’t care what the others think about him. He’s never had any formal training, and is somewhat frustrated by his first attempt. We also learn that the “music experts” pick the song, and for Michael, they’ve chosen “Drift Away.” He’s not happy. He wants “slammin’ rockin’.” But Michael isn’t doing “Drift Away.” Nope. Instead, he’s singing “Devil With the Blue Dress,” badly. He runs around the stage, jerking around like a maniac with absolutely no control of his vocals. He jumps on the table in front of Mark, who seems to be grooving out. This is positively awful. The backup singers sound worse than I do. Unbelievable. Michael is totally out of breath as he talks to George. Please tell me the “experts” don’t like this. Please? Mark says being “The One” isn’t just about one thing. He calls Michael “the good bad boy.” Kara says, “You should do whatever you want because you are great.” Andre (who apparently is our “Simon”) says, “One thing for sure, you’re definitely not a bum.” Huh? George jokes about his name this time around. He then introduces Austin Carroll. Austin says he is eccentric and quirky, but is definitely a soulful cat. He says he goes to a different place when he sings. He says that he thinks he’s afraid of succeeding. But Andre tries to pump him up by telling him that he needs to “be the you that you need to be.” Austin has chosen The Band’s “The Weight,” and is accompanying himself on the piano. And you know what, I like him. A lot. You know why? He sounds a bit like Taylor with a gravelly, soulful edge to his voice. He feels the emotion of the song and conveys it properly. He doesn’t need the assistance of the shrieking, off-key backup singers. Not one little bit. All right, Austin! Austin is elated after his performance and calls it “surreal.” Kara tells him that he has true greatness in him. She wonders where they will put him. Andre says that his level of emotional connection is what great art is about. Mark says eccentric and quirky is not a bad thing. Andre adds that he thinks Austin is a category unto himself. Yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Next up is Aubrey Collins, the Kellie Pickler look-alike. She tells us that she has been singing all her life. We see her singing “A Whole New World” as a tot. Her entire family sold everything to help her with her career, and they are now living in an RV. Aubrey also wants to be The One! For her first performance, Aubrey has chosen “Born to be Wild.” I start laughing out loud. My dogs wonder if I have lost it. Perhaps I have. Sorry, Aubrey. She is all over the place pitch-wise, and every now and then, breaks out into this weird, growly kind of shriek that sets me off on another laughing jag. Need I say more? Andre says he didn’t believe it. Mark thinks Andre needs oxygen, and says she is right there with the best of the rockers. Kara says she has great pipes, but she’s going to have to work a bit harder. I guess so! Back we go to the “One” house. The girls are speculating on the “hot” guys. Romance seems to be in the air already. Aubrey seems to have caught the attention of Nick Brownell, and they sing a little duet by the pool. Looks like we could have a little action here? No, not with her family sitting in the RV in the driveway. We return from the break and George (who does not tell us his last name again), explains the voting again. I’ll save this for the end, okay. Nick Brownell is our next victim, er, performer. Nick started playing out when he was a senior in high school. Kara is trying to help him, telling him this is serious, and that he could be “The One.” She calls him “frat boy!” Nick says he’s not going back, either. Someone has to, though, right? Oh gawd. Nick is singing Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” He’s flat, pitchy, and totally soul-free. The band sounds like something you might hear in a small corner bar on a Wednesday night, and Nick a singer in a high school talent show. He completely loses his place in the song and never finds his way back again. I can’t believe how bad that was. Kara says that they are going to be getting it on… practicing that is. She says Nick was a little stiff for her (yikes). Mark calls him Frodo, and says that there is some work to be done. Andre says, “I don’t know what you were thinking about, but it wasn’t sexy like Marvin sang it.” You tell it, Andre. Now for Scotty Grainger, who plays piano, guitar, flute, sax, piccolo, and several other instruments. His biggest fear is not winning. He’s from New Orleans, and tells us that “Katrina was a bad chick.” He says that he experienced some things in his life that have hit him hard. He seems to be able to capture that emotion in his music. “Music is such a powerful force,” he says. Scotty’s bringing us a little Motown with the Temptations’ “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” He’s got the falsetto, and some nice spins, I’ll give him that. And he does a decent job on the bridge, but seems very nervous. I think he can do better, and I will give him the benefit of the doubt, this time at least. Andre says that he was nervous about the performance in the beginning, but that Scotty pulled it off and sounded like Jackie Wilson. Mark does some strange kind of head motion that indicates he likes it (I think). Kara calls Scotty a smoooooth cat. Two more to go. Stay with me now, okay! We’re almost there! As an aside, the theme music to this show sounds like the MadTV theme. We have another clip of action at the house, and the contestants talk about each other. During the clip, Scotty is singing “Ain’t No Sunshine,” beautifully. You should have chosen that one, Scotty. Aubrey likes Michael Cole. Syesha sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (oh please, please, please, not again). Caitlin Evanson is next. She plays fiddle and sings, and has been on the road for four years playing for various country artists. She has also just quit drinking. Mark tells her he has 13 years of sobriety, and says, “I’ve been you.” He offers to help her, and she starts to cry. Mark reassures her that he is just a phone call away. She is afraid that isolation will drag her back into the drinking. Caitlin comes out with her fiddle, and does (or tries to do) Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love.” An appropriate tune for a recovering person, I must say! But this is the wrong song for her voice and style, and really, I can’t even begin to describe this performance. Doesn’t quite work with the fiddle either! I am laughing again. I can’t help it. This is bizarre. After her performance, Caitlin tells George that she is happy to share her experience to help others. Mark tells her she has nothing to be ashamed of (except that performance, I’m thinking). He feels like a proud dad, and says she nailed it. Andre says it’s hard to be honest and loves her “raspy, country thing.” Kara says, “She’s real,” and points out that this is Caitlin’s coming out party. She’s no longer in the background. Yay! Our final contestant in the two-hour torture fest is Adam McInnis. He says that he was tone deaf up until three years ago, and calls his style “timeless.” His greatest fear is the stereotype about his dreadlocks. He doesn’t want to be compared to Lenny Kravitz or Bob Marley. Now why do I think there is probably not much chance of that? Adam is singing an acoustic version of “American Woman” – kind of Dave Matthews-like. It’s actually rather nice. But then the band kicks into the traditional version, and Adam’s voice is no match for the arrangement. It’s thin and without any flavor at all. He flails about on the stage and seems to forget that he is supposed to be singing. Oh man. It’s like he disappeared into the mist. Kara says it was a little bit pitchy, but the visual image was incredible. I’ll say! “This guy worked his butt off,” she says. Mark also points out how focused Adam was at the academy. Andre likes Adam’s sensitive spirit, but says he needs work. We have a recap of the performances in anticipation of the voting. Here’s how it works: The viewers vote, and on Wednesday night, the bottom three will be revealed. The three will perform, and then the judges will “save” one of them. After that, the remaining contestants will actually select the person who goes home. Nasty! Now you know that I have to select my picks for the bottom three, right? But how, pray tell, does one choose? Of the 11, the only one with whom I was impressed was Austin. I like Scotty, and Syesha wasn’t terrible either. Jeremiah was okay. So, that leaves seven. This is tough, but I would say that the bottom three should be Nick Brownell (“Let’s Get it On”), Aubrey Collins (“Born to be Wild”), and the incredibly horrific herky jerky Michael Cole (“Devil With the Blue Dress”). Of the three, I would say that Michael Cole will be the first to be eliminated from this mess. But it really doesn’t matter. I say they should “crown” Austin right now and be done with it! But that’s not the way this usually works, now is it? http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6264.art&page=1

The One, July 19: The First Results Are In, and It Ain’t Pretty by Donna Reynolds -- 07/20/2006 The first performances are history, and it’s time to find out who will not be “the One!” Donna is here with a recap of the results show and some other tidbits about this, her new favorite show. Read on, if you dare. After I submitted my recap Tuesday night, I had a moment of remorse for having broken my cardinal rule of not bashing contestants on reality/talent shows. I tried, really I did, but in the end, I couldn't help myself. I also realize that all of this was not entirely the fault of the contestants, but rather of a combination of factors, including atrocious sound quality, a listless band, a cheesy set, and an unbelievably dated song list. It's a great concept, but ABC has tried to produce this on a shoestring budget, and it shows. And it appears that the “results” for ABC came in on Wednesday morning. While 7.7 million people were watching Last Comic Standing, only 3.2 million tuned into The One. Rock Star: Supernova averaged 5.8 million viewers. Repeats of House won the night, however, with 9.1 million people watching during the same time slot. I don't think these numbers bode very well for The One. A visit to the message board that ABC set up for the show confirmed my opinion as well, and people are wondering how long before ABC pulls the plug. Funny, I had nothing bad to say about George Stroumboulopoulos. I am told that Strombo, as he is affectionately called, is quite the star in Canada and is held in very high esteem. He’s the host of his own hour-long evening news show on CBC, and has been compared to CNN's Anderson Cooper. I'm sure he figured this would be his big break into the U.S. market, never dreaming he'd be hosting what appears to be the biggest turkey of the summer. Strombo, dude, fire your agent! Incidentally, one of my readers pointed out that, although ABC didn't include this in her bio, Kara has written a number of songs for Idol alum, including Bo Bice ("The Real Thing," "Remember Me," and "It's My Life"), Kelly Clarkson ("Gone" and "Walk Away"), and Clay Aiken ("The Way"). Anyway, we're back for the results show. After Tuesday night's dismal performances, it's really anyone's guess as to which of the 11 contestants will go home, but as you recall, I predicted that it would be Michael Cole. Of course, we have an hour to get through, and I’ve stalled long enough. Let’s get to it, shall we. George (Strombo) welcomes us. He seems very earnest tonight. He welcomes the contestants of The One who come out from behind the stage to the adulation of the studio audience. They shake hands with their adoring fans, and the theme music pumps up the crowd. The contestants sit on couches (ala Idol), and we greet the “experts” (i.e. judges), Mark Hudson, Andre Harrell, and Kara DioGuardi. We move to a review of the performances, along with some of the behind-the-scenes clips. It doesn’t get any better the second time around, really. After they have a chance to see themselves, Strombo conducts a question and answer session. He asks Aubrey if her budding relationship with Nick Brownell is a distraction. She answers by saying that she can’t afford to have any distractions. Strombo then asks Michael if his song choice worked out for him. He says he wasn’t going to sing it a different way. He’s an arrogant fellow, that’s for sure. The Q&A continues. Jackie is upset about the fact that “one of these talented people” will be going home. Adam, who is a cutie by the way, says that it was interesting for him when the experts who had been helping him suddenly became judges. After the break, we have a chance to see what happened after the performance show. The contestants return to the mansion, and Aubrey breaks down and cries. Nick kisses her. Austin says that they need to ignore the judges’ comments. Scotty says that the mood has changed. Jeremiah is unsure about his future, and someone, Jackie I think, says that they are trying to avoid thinking about being in the bottom three. They are all freaking out about having to decide who goes home. That is harsh. Suddenly the word “alliance” gets uttered. Ahhhh, like Survivor, or something. I get it. Michael asks Aubrey whether she would pick Nick over someone like Syesha, who he feels had a better performance. She says, “Yup.” This bothers Michael, obviously. Nick and Aubrey cuddle. They all sign a guitar, and decide that whoever goes home will get the guitar. None of them feels safe, that’s for sure. Strombo says we’ve come to a “major moment of truth.” The contestants are on the stage, and he informs them that if he tells them to take a seat, they have a chance at being the “One.” “Syesha, Jeremiah, and Caitlin, take a seat,” he pronounces. So far, so good. Scotty also gets sent back to the couches, and Nick is told to stay. The audience boos. “Take a breath, Adam, and take a seat,” says Strombo. The music is dramatic and the lighting eerie. “Austin, I don’t know if you heard what Adam just said to you…” Suddenly the screen freezes up and we totally miss whatever it was that Adam said. I really don’t believe this. Once the technical glitch is corrected, Austin is hugging people, and we are left to assume that he is safe. Strombo then toys with Aubrey’s emotions a bit, but finally tells her that she is safe as well. “There are four of you left, three of you will be performing tonight,” Strombo says. “One of you is safe. Nick, take a seat.” Aubrey is jubilant, but the audience boos. This leaves Michael Cole, Jadyn Maria, and Jackie Mendez as our bottom three. We go to yet another break. Now it’s time for the lifesaving performances by the bottom three. Jadyn Maria will be performing first. We see another clip of her session with Mark and her first performance. She says that if she ends up in the bottom three, it’s because of the judges’ comments. She talks to her mother on the phone, who tells her that she hit the glory note, but pulled the microphone away so that the audience couldn’t hear it. Yeah, right. We cut back to the live action and Strombo asks the experts for their opinions of Jadyn. Andre tells her that Mark was right. “If you’re going to admire the great songs, you have to sing it stronger,” he says. He wants her to connect with America and do the best job she can. Kara agrees with Andre (of course). She says that when she went back and listened to Jadyn’s performance, she realized that Jadyn didn’t “hit all of her licks.” Kara advises Jadyn to get out of the shadows and “be you.” Mark says he would rather judge her on being dangerous than being safe. “Go out there and be dangerous,” he says. Huh? Jadyn is singing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” She does a bit better with this one, actually, but it is still a pretty amateur rendition. The girl dresses the part though, wearing a brown micro-mini with textured stockings that show off her legs. She finishes up nicely, and may well have saved herself. Michael Cole will perform next. Once again, we see the clip of his disagreement with the experts and a bit of “Devil with the Blue Dress On.” He says that he’s learned more from his peers in the house than he has from the judges. Oh, he’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’, that’s for sure. Michael tells Strombo that he’s going to rip the roof off. Mark tells him to keep some control. Kara says that he had great energy, but wants less shock and more content. Andre says that he has to get out of his head and “be the electrifying you that you can be.” I’m ready to break into song at this point. I wonder aloud if these comments are scripted. They almost have to be, right? Michael has picked Delbert McClinton’s “Shaky Ground.” What? Something from the 21st century? How does Michael rate? Much as I hate to admit it, though, this is a good song for him and fits his rather strained vocals. He even has a guy with a harp come up onstage to accompany him at one point. I like it. Really. Strombo tells us it’s heating up in here, and I suppose it is. We go to break. Last up is Jackie Mendez. We see her crying some more. She says if she ends up in the bottom three, America wasn’t paying attention. She calls home and whoever it is that answers the phone tells her it wasn’t her best singing ever. Way to go, dad. He does tell her she seemed “incredibly natural.” We see her getting some dance training. Kara tells her she is beautiful and moves great, but wants her to raise the bar. “When you pick a lick, nail it.” I have never heard a judge on one of these shows use the term “lick.” Andre wants Jackie to think about what the song means to her and let the drama come naturally. Mark wants her to let out her soul. “Do it,” he says. Jackie is singing “Last Dance.” She starts singing accompanied only by an acoustic guitar, and it’s nice. But of course she has to kick it up a notch and loses all the emotion that she built up in the preamble. She simply cannot sing and dance at the same time. Not good, Jackie. Not good at all. The audience seems to love it, though, so what do I know? Maybe it’s just the baby doll nightie/dress that they love? Strombo tries to pump us up for the drama that is sure to follow. Jackie gets a quick spritz of hairspray from the stylist. I need a drink. When we return from the break, Michael, Jadyn, and Jackie are on the stage. The music experts are about to “save” one of them. Mark says that all three are incredible, and he loves them personally. He tells Jadyn that she is young and beautiful, and has a voice of an angel when it’s on. But he says he could feel the fear. He tells Michael that he sang the song and also sold everything that he possibly could. He thinks that Jackie stepped up to the plate. Kara tells Jadyn that she loves her voice, but thinks she choked in the end. She thinks that Michael has great fire, and says that Jackie stepped it up. She also loves all three of them. Andre doesn’t think Jadyn was that great, but feels that Michael connected. Jackie, he says, “killed and destroyed.” He thinks she was fabulous. Now for the experts’ vote. Kara says that this is hard, but votes to save Jackie (she calls her Jacqueline). “Jacqueline has one vote,” says Strombo in a very Jeff Probst-like manner. Mark says he’s a rock ‘n roller and has to stay true to his rock ‘n roll roots. He saves Michael. The audience boos. “There is one person with no vote,” Strombo tells us just in case we couldn’t figure this out for ourselves. Andre says that being a superstar is about controlling one’s self and rising to the occasion. He thinks that Jackie did this, and gets his vote. Jackie is saved by the bell, or judges, or experts, or whatever. Michael and Jadyn will face a jury of their peers… after the break. We return. The moment is upon us. We are reminded that the remaining contestants can only save one. We are ready for the vote. Jeremiah says that he loves Jadyn, but has to save Michael. The audience boos. Jackie also loves Jadyn, but she says she has to vote by performance, and Michael stepped it up. Adam cuts to the chase and picks Michael as well. “That’s three votes for Michael, none for Jadyn,” Strombo tells us. “Five votes wins.” Next is Syesha. She feels that Jadyn deserves a second chance. Austin has had a connection with Jadyn, but also feels that Michael stepped it up. Again, the audience boos. Caitlin says, “This is ridiculous.” She praises Michael for stepping up and doing what he was told. Her vote for Michael saves him, and Jadyn Maria is going home. The audience boos yet again. Jadyn says this will make her stronger and warns us that we will be seeing her again. The contestants file out onto the stage to say goodbye to Jadyn, singing “Don’t Let the Sun go Down on Me” to her, while her memorial video plays on a screen that only the studio audience can see. My grandmother used to say, “Ye gods and little fishes.” I really have no idea what that means, but somehow think that it’s appropriate here. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6269.art&page=1

Re: The One
Oh wow. I just saw the ratings for the first week of The One. Not good. Not good at all. If this were a new fall show, it would've been pulled after its first episode. The ratings were that bad. I almost feel bad for the show. Nah, not really. The premise of the show is a total rip-off of American Idol. And right now there is already too many talent-like shows on tv. There's Rockstar: Supernova, American's Got Talent, Last Comic Standing, So You Think You Can Dance? Did I miss one? I'm glad the show bombed. Perhaps this will mean far fewer types of these talent shows in the future. American Idol is king of this reality tv genre and everyone else should just give up and not even try. Long live the king. :grin:

I watched the premiere and I wasn't impressed by any of the contestants. I don't think America will even care who wins.

What did you think of the host? He's Canadian. Started out on our Much Music station and now has his own newshour show. I was wondering how he was.

The One, July 25: Does It Get Any Better? by Lindsay Rodman -- 07/26/2006 Last week, approximately four people saw The One’s premiere. Surprisingly, it made it to a second week. Does it get any better? Do the judges, like Mark Hudson (right) make any more sense? Read on to find out! Last week, we met the contestants. They did not sing well (with the exception of Austin, and perhaps Syesha). We also met the judges. Their praise of the contestants generally induced a state of jaw-dropping horror amongst most of the (tiny) viewing audience. I admit it certainly did so in me, until about the third singer when I just began laughing uncontrollably every time an off-key performance was praised as “Awesome! You have a phenomenal talent!” Finally, we met our host, George Stroumboulopoulos, who generally stared intensely (and yet somehow blankly) at the camera in a manner totally at odds with the lisping super-enthusiastic delivery of his lines. Also, did no one ever suggest a stage name for this person? It is hard to spell (though fun to say if you use a British accent… no seriously, try it) and sounds far too much like Sesame Street’s Snuffleupagus. So unless he sees a future as a brown furry elephant, someone clearly needs to fire his agent. I’m just saying. The three contestants who received the fewest votes were: Jackie, Michael, and Jadyn. Each sang a different song than the night before, in hopes that their ass would be saved. Jackie was saved by the judges – well, Kara and Andre; Mark claimed to stay true to his “rocker” roots (though I don’t recall anyone in Aerosmith having a blue beard), and voted for Michael. The other contestants voted to save Michael, and thus Jadyn and her truly atrocious rendition of “Keep Me Hangin’ On” were sent home. Here’s hoping the producers listened to America’s sudden longing for Simon Cowell and told the judges to be a bit less sugary sweet and far more honest. I’ve seen Andre on Making the Band 3, and he’s capable. I think Mark was supposed to be the mean one, though; after his positive comment on last week’s opening number, George made some ominous comment along the lines of seeing whether Mark’s niceness would last. Unfortunately for George and me, it did. Other wishes for this week? That Mark has dyed his beard gray, or any other relatively normal color; that Mark has stopped dressing in matching green jackets and berets and generally looking like an overgrown leprechaun (I know, but he really just looked kind of horrific); and that the judges/producers choose more modern or just plain better songs for the contestants. Pretty please? I thought not. Here we go! After a brief recap of last week (because only about three people watched it), we get a montage of contestants and judges saying that they’re getting down to the real work now, and that the contestants have a long way to go. For the very first time, I agree with this show. I do not agree with George’s really awkward banter with the contestants, his professed ability to read Michael’s eyes through Michael’s sunglasses, or Michael’s inability to say anything coherent. FYI, tonight Judge Mark is wearing a military-inspired Blazer and Beret (B&B) combo and leather pants. And a red flower ring. Tonight, Austin is up first. Back at The Academy (I wish they would think of a better name for it… brings back bad memories of Fame and the opening “I’m here to work!” song), the contestants and judges are watching a video of Austin’s performance from last week. Austin interviews and tells his father that it’s really hard for him when people tell him he’s awesome all the time. You and me both, Austin. You and me both. Austin is singing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together.” A piano is right behind him, giving the whole thing a pseudo-lounge singer vibe that doesn’t really seem to fit with Austin’s style. Austin delivers a solid, on-key performance. Mark says that Austin is so good that he set the bar for the night, but that he needs to work on his confidence and desire to be here at The Academy. Andre wants Austin to groove a bit more, and says that the end was better than the beginning. Kara thinks that it was good, but that Austin’s bar is “great.” George interrupts Kara once to tell the audience Kara is not done, and then again trying to wrap her up and send us to commercials. Video of Kara laying down the law back at The Academy. She says they all (including the judges) looked like fools last week. Again, I agree with Kara! (Luckily, almost nobody saw them.) This week is going better already. Mark wants to know if they really want it; what I want is for Mark to take off the powder blue B&B combo and dress like a normal person. In the video, he also has a tri-tone beard (dark blue mustache, and a turquoise over eggplant goatee). He looks like a parrot, especially when sporting some bright yellow-gold hoop pirate earrings, as he naturally is now. Kara declares that this week there will be no more hoochie mammas, which means less breasts showing on all the girls. That wasn’t one of my chief complaints last week, but I am currently rolling with Kara, so what she says goes. Andre wants them to pick better songs. That sounds like a good idea to me. Back to tonight. Syesha is up second. The judges/advisors want her to stop with the Diana Ross hair and theatrics. Andre wants her to “sing to the children.” Um… I was with him on the pick better songs part. Syesha does pick a better song and sings Alicia Keyes’ “If I Ain’t Got You” while sitting on top of the piano. I suppose the one thing about Piano Night (which this is shaping up to be) is that we hear the contestants much better. Syesha’s voice sounds smooth and really great. The back-up vocalists aren’t as hot, and sound pre-recorded (which they may or may not be – I have no idea, but they sound like it). Syesha exhibits very good control over her voice, and gives (in my opinion) the best performance on this show so far. Andre confuses the audience and says Syesha was singing a love song but not making eye contact. The audience boos. Andre then says that he meant not tonight, but the other night, before he told her to sing to the children. Now she makes eye contact. I wonder if this works with anyone… Kara says we’re seeing the real Syesha, and not the fake acting and posing of last week. George asks Mark if Syesha had the voice tonight. I am beginning to think asking Mark anything is a really bad idea, because then Mark says, “Look what she did to my heart!” and opens his military jacket to reveal a matching vest with a huge red heart on it. I am not kidding. You cannot make this stuff up. Clearly, I read too much into George’s comment early last week, and General Parrot Heart was never supposed to be our lovable meanie Simon Cowell, but instead our drugged-out Paula Abdul. Also, my TiVo is paused just after Mark reveals his heart (seriously, what the hell?), so I can tell you that Andre is loving this BS so much. He has a huge grin on his face and is clapping his hands in utter glee. I admit, it is not every day you get to see someone of General Parrot Heart’s caliber. Mark then says he does have one thing that Syesha needs to work on, which is how to “distinguish herself from other young ladies who sing in this genre.” This is a valid point, because she did not really put her own spin on the song and sang it very much in the vein of Ms. Keyes. I am just having issues taking General Parrot Heart seriously when his beard is dyed three colors and he is wearing a vest with a giant heart on it (which you know he was going to cheesily reveal come hell or high water tonight). Next up is Aubrey. In her clip, she is very concerned about coming across as someone who cheats on her boyfriend. She feels the need to clarify this to everyone, including us, the contestants and the judges—she actually broke up with him. Thanks? Then she makes out with Nick some more. Nick gives her butterflies. They make me want to puke. Aubrey is, according to George, going to show us her softer side tonight. She sings Dolly Parton’s version of “Knockin on Heaven’s Door,” and plays her guitar. The arrangement Aubrey does is very repetitive, repeating the title line about 80 times. Her vocals are much stronger than last week, and she has a sort of country-rock style, which fits her well. Kara explains that this is a song about depression. Oh. Well. I can see then why Kara thinks Aubrey didn’t connect with the song. She also thinks Aubrey was pitchy at the beginning. George throws it to Mark. I cringe, praying there is nothing else beneath the vest he cares to reveal on national television. This time, however, Mark is relatively tame. He says Aubrey connected with the song more than last week. I don’t know about that… I kind of think she just maybe sang better this week. Andre thinks Aubrey’s “outfit is fire,” and likes her guitar. Maybe Andre is Paula? I’m confused. Next up is Nick. Before the commercial, we get a teaser of Kara telling Nick he has pitch problems and his rhythm sucks. Right again, Kara! She also says that he isn’t giving her anything, which she thinks is surprising because he has a lot of sex going on in his brain right now. I wonder if the Aubrey/Nick hook-up is what ABC hoped for with the whole living together/competing against each other deal. I mean, it’s pretty tame so far; one of them needs to vote the other out, or have an orgy in the hot tub Real World style. Oh god. Nick is singing Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be.” That was American Idol’s scary audition montage song a few seasons ago. He also has a crush on Kara, who kind of hates him. A lot. I heart Kara. She hates his pitch, she hates his rhythm, she hates his hair, she hates his style. Nick asks her if she “wants a piece of this.” Nick? She does not. Kara is laughing a little, but I don’t think it’s because she thinks he’s funny; I think she can’t believe she has to deal with this little idiot who thinks he’s the house’s Brad Pitt. Indeed, Nick proclaims he flirts with all the girls in the house. I think I just vomited. Not done yet, Nick and Mark have a pseudo-serious (and wholly embarrassing) conversation about whether Nick has a chance with Kara. Y’all? He does not. Mark thinks Nick is on drugs. I think General Parrot Heart is one to talk. Nick is playing his guitar while singing. Dude, even his guitar sounds out of tune. This is really, really bad. The tone of his voice is good, but Kara is right and he clearly has some pitch issues. The girls in the audience love him. George asks him (yet again) if Nick thinks he can get Kara. Nick just shakes his head. He tells us that performing is what he’s born to do, which earns an off-camera spontaneous laugh of horror from Kara. Kara thinks Nick is way too cocky, and should not have attempted that kind of song. She calls it a “pitch disaster.” I congratulate myself on being right. (I took classical voice lessons for 10 years, so I have some credibility in this area, I promise!) General Parrot Heart says Nick is a “stud-muffin.” Vomit. Andre says “the fear took him over,” and that he started out off-key and couldn’t get back on. Next up is Adam, who, in his pre-commercial video, cries because he’s an adult? I mean, I know it’s rough, but… Oh, he wears a scarf on his head too. That’s kind of all. Mark wants him to do “Cats in the Cradle,” which Adam HATES. He is very open about this, and good for him. Then, Adam proceeds to slam “Parrots with Pipes.” He is not talking about Mark, but about singers who don’t write their own songs. He hates them, too, and does not want to be one. So basically Adam is one of those reality show contestants who thinks he’s the real deal and everyone else is fake, and is a little passive-aggressive about it, like, “Oh you have a great voice, you’re a really great Parrot with Pipes.” Gotcha. Andre wants Adam to do “Sign Your Name.” I have never heard this song, but the lyrics according to Adam are: “Sign your name, across my heart. My range is bigger than this.” Obviously, Adam hates that choice. Next! Adam writes a song about his father’s death, which is the context of his pre-commercial tears. He kind of cries and sings at the same time, and sounds really whiny. Adam decides he wants to sing “True Colors” because that resonates with him more at this time in his life. Mark respects him. Awesome! Can we sing now? Apparently we can. The piano is back, and Adam sort of talks through the verses (as opposed to the chorus), and his voice cracks when he goes for the high note in the chorus. This happens about three times. Andre thinks Adam has heart, but needs to work with the vocal coach. Check! Mark thinks Adam is a poet (which no doubt feeds his ego a hearty dinner) and a “walking expression,” but that he’s not a real singer yet. Kara thinks Adam looks and feels like an artist, but isn’t one yet. Is it just me, or was this show supposed to take people WHO COULD SING and turn them into music stars? See, this is where I miss the American Idol audition rounds, because even if you don’t agree with the final choices, you at least see them a few times, see them get chosen. I kind of would really like to know where they found some of these people. And the people they rejected as worse than these contestants. Caitlin is up next. Her video centers on her prior role as back-up violinist/singer to major artists, and that now she’s the frontwoman and has to believe in herself. Mark gives her a “warning” that if she doesn’t bring it, he’ll call her on it. Hmmm. He’s gonna have to prove that one I think. He’s been the least uncomplimentary of any judge here. Caitlin is singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” by Bonnie Raitt. Caitlin is sans violin tonight. She starts out really well; her voice is actually quite unique. It gets a bit scratchy up on the higher notes, but this is the first time I could actually see someone on this show as an actual unique artist, making it in the real world. Yay! This show has a redeeming factor. Andre likes Caitlin’s hot dress. He thinks she could still improve her confidence and connection to the song. Kara thinks she missed a few notes (the high ones), but that she does have the range for it, and was feeling the song and working it. General Parrot Heart imitates crying like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. Caitlin laughs like this is funny. Then Mark says Caitlin has the courage of a Lion. George wants to know what the hell is up. Me too, George. Me too. I suspect toxic beard dye. Video montage of physical training. Austin and Scotty complain, because they are the house fatties. Scotty doesn’t understand why he needs to be skinny for America to enjoy his voice. He does not want to be a sex symbol, and says he can be obese. I cite Ruben Studdard, whose weight has put a serious dent in his career already, as evidence to the contrary. They have a chef who cooks them healthy food. Austin seems to have a pretty healthy view towards this. Aubrey is a vegetarian, and likes healthy things. Once again, Michael cannot talk into a mic. Scotty’s up next. He thinks his performance from last week was “whack” and flat. I agree! Mark thinks Scotty is going through something that is showing in his weight and music. Scotty says he was thinking about quitting. Andre and Scotty have a jam session. Andre mentions Scotty’s size again. Y’all, Scotty’s got nothing on Ruben Studdard, or a few other artists out there, who even on American Idol broke into a sweat from taking three steps across the stage. Scotty sings “Lately,” by Stevie Wonder, and wears a fedora. His voice is breathy. Very breathy. He also wobbles a bit on some held notes, which usually points to nerves. He does this crazy slide note at the end, which the audience loves and I do not. General Parrot Heart is no longer worried about Scotty after tonight. He says that Scotty applied everything they told him in The Academy this week, and that he would buy Scotty a bucket of chicken. Somehow I don’t think the personal trainer is going to agree that good singing = a trip to KFC. Andre says Scotty plays eight instruments. That is a lot. I kind of want to hear what they are, though – I mean, that’s really a lot. Is one a harmonica? However, then Andre says Scotty’s performance was a 5 out of 10. I agree! Breathy isn’t good. He had no power behind his voice tonight. Kara thinks he had a lot of feel, but that it was pitchy. She thinks the ending was taking a risk, and that it was true artistry. Next up is Jackie Mendez, who was in the bottom three last week. In the pre-commercial preview, Mark calls BS on her theory that dancing while singing for the first time (oh come on – you’ve never danced around lamely while you’ve sung before?) caused her poor performance. This is the first time Mark and I agree, as I also think this is a crappy excuse. I mean, she wasn’t even really dancing. She was kind of shuffling around. However, if she constantly makes excuses for crappy singing (and accepting third-rate Latin-ized arrangements of non-Latin songs) this could be interesting. George knows we are sitting at home and our hands are itching and twitching to vote. I don’t think I can convey the utter lameness of George. He kind of looks like a Barenaked Ladies reject, and he just has definitely not found his hosting groove here yet. Jackie tells her dad she knew she would be bottom three last week, and that this week she will know whether America loves her. She wants a ring, y’all, or she’s moving on. She says going first is hard, because there’s a lot of pressure. She tells Mark that she told him last week she’s not a dancer, and here is the calling BS part. Jackie’s third excuse is that maybe people did not tune in right at 9 o’clock last week, and missed her because she was first. Actually, the ratings say people pretty much never tuned in last week. Kara says Jackie was flat and pitchy, and she doesn’t want to hear her sing like that again. Me neither! In fact, I think I could do with never hearing the vast majority of these contestants again. Jackie is slowing it down this week with Destiny’s Child’s “Emotions.” She initially sounds better than last week. The song suits her better, and she is not dancing. Then, suddenly, she starts doing some really lame scatting that is not only bad but too high for her. Jackie tells George she does not think she had a good night. Mark gives the Academy:Teachers::Show:Judges analogy. I cannot wait until this show is one hour instead of two. General Parrot Heart says she was able to sit still and sing this week. Um, good job? Andre needs Jackie to sing stronger and work hard on her voice, but that she looks like a star. Kara says that some of Jackie’s choices (by which I am 100% sure she means the scatting) aren’t good. Indeed, George asks her what she means by choices, and Kara says the “ad-libbing.” Did Kara really hear that for the very first time tonight? Was that really spontaneous? I doubt it. Kara thinks you have to do the original song justice, or do it better. Pretty much, yeah. George tells me there are only two more singers to go, and I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. This show seems really long. Next up is Jeremiah, who is, according to Kara, very good at being emotional. So basically he cries a lot. According to himself, there is “Rocker Jeremiah” and “Folk-Singer Jeremiah,” and he needs to reconcile and blend them. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there were a real schizo on this show? That would be the best. Tonight, Jeremiah is going to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” with his guitar, so I think this is Folk-Singer Jeremiah. He is worried that he’s doing two slow songs back to back, however. I mean, he wasn’t even in the bottom four last week, so as long as he doesn’t blow, he’ll be okay, I think. Also? Nick, Scotty, and Jackie were pretty bad, so there’s three right there! Mark thinks that the meaning of “Imagine” is so spot-on for Jeremiah. Mark knew John Lennon, who was “great.” How very descriptive! Jeremiah almost cries. Jeremiah is doing “Imagine” as a former boy-bander who wants to go solo and be taken seriously. He begins playing the guitar very… sparingly. He, like Jackie, puts some ill-advised random runs in. He also does some growling. Yep, I stand by my description. This is Boy Band Jeremiah… all the way to the bottom three? Could be! Jeremiah thinks he started out rough, but then got into it. Kara thinks he took a big risk and had some rough moments, but sold the song. George throws it to Andre… so naturally General Parrot Heart thinks it’s his turn! General Parrot Heart then tells Andre he can go after all. Andre thinks Jeremiah needs to work on the package. General Parrot Heart then agrees with Kara, saying that if Jeremiah is just going to screw up his own rendition, he should probably just sing the really famous song straight. Do I really have to agree with General Parrot Heart again? LAST SINGER! Kara and Mark sing a song entitled “I’m Michael Cole.” Yet again, so not kidding. Kara says Mark screams and there is no melody. True! It sounds like he’s going to sing “Mustang Sally.” Fakeout! Michael’s actually singing “Some Kind of Wonderful,” by Grand Funk Railroad. He plays his guitar and sings, and it’s not bad. Then he takes off his guitar and screams unmelodically, doing exactly what Kara said she hated. Michael ends up standing on the piano. Kara jumps up and down and has an orgasm. Michael takes a bow. Andre thinks Michael went from “Zero to Hero.” Michael points at Andre. I think, from what Andre says about being surprised, that Michael did not do the song quite this way in rehearsals, and they think this is organic and real and who Michael is, etc. General Parrot Heart thinks Michael is great, and wants him to pass his DNA around. George tells us that we need to take this seriously and vote, because we’re dealing with people’s lives, and very intensely throws us to tonight’s performance clips. I’m obviously not going to recap this, but I do want to say that they format it in split-screen, with the performance clip on one side and a candid montage shot on the other—and that Austin’s montage is a really awful face shot that makes him look mentally challenged. Also, Nick, Adam, and Scotty sound really bad. And someone really hates Jeremiah, because they put in the exact clip where he does his super off-key run. Don’t piss off the editors! So then I realize that I’ve pissed off the show, because I thought it was over, but it is not. The contestants sing Foghat’s “Slow Ride,” complete with psychedelic backgrounds. I’m kind of tired, so here’s who sounds good: Jackie, Austin, Syesha, and Jeremiah. Here’s who sounds okay: Caitlin, and Michael’s First Solo. Here’s who sounds like I never want to hear them again: Aubrey, Scotty, Adam (oh my god, y’all, this guy cannot sing), Michael’s Second Solo and his ad-libbing at the end, and one guy who was really off-key during some harmony at the very end. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6286.art&page=1

Re: The One
I don't think America will even care who wins. I think you'll be hard-pressed to find enough anyone that will still be following the show when the winner is announced. I'm a little surprised this show lasted a second week. I almost expected it to be bumped for repeats of According To Jim. Oh, and if I haven't already mentioned it, The One is a terrible name for a show. And if I'm not mistaken, it is the title of a terrible movie starring Jet Lee.

The One, July 26: Pregnant Pause by Lindsay Rodman -- 07/27/2006 Aubrey loves Nick (right) so much. After all, they’ve known each other for all of two weeks in this competition. But what news does Nick have that throws this all into chaos? If this sounds like a description of a totally different type of reality show rather than a talent show, well, that may be because the talent levels are lower than the drama levels. But it is a results show, so in the end somebody has to go home. Last night, the ten remaining contestants sang (however badly) for us. George Snuffleupagus stared intensely at the camera and made really awkward banter with the singers. Kara rocked and finally told everyone how crappy they were last week, Andre was utterly useless, and Mark… Mark had a banner night. Mark dyed his beard three different colors and looked like a parrot. Mark wore a military-inspired B&B (blazer and beret) combo and looked like an army commando. Much to the horror of the viewing audience (or at least me – but then, that might be the whole viewing audience), Mark decided to bust open his blazer to reveal a matching vest with a gigantic red heart painted on the front. I am still not kidding. I’m also still wondering which wardrobe stylist thought this would be a good idea. Do they want to keep their jobs? Tonight, we get rid of one of the remaining contestants. Please let it be Adam! We get a recap of last night that includes: Michael overcoming depression at being in the bottom three last week, Syesha being her true self, Jackie making excuses, Aubrey not letting her relationship with Nick bother her, Nick letting it bother him (and singing really off-key), Adam hating on the judges’ song choices and then sucking it up big time on stage, Austin singing just fine, Jeremiah getting into his song at the end, and Caitlin “taking the biggest chance of her musical life” (according to Hyperbole George) and performing without her instrument. And singing awesomely. George kicks it to some video footage after last night’s show. Adam basically thinks people shouldn’t judge him for being off-key when the audience is clapping and screaming at him, because we aren’t up there singing. This is one of my least favorite reality TV arguments. You signed up, bucko, not us. And if you make it in this industry (which you won’t) and do a live tour (which you won’t), it will be a lot louder and people will still judge you. More people than now, even, since NO ONE WATCHES THIS SHOW. Jeremiah is frustrated and disappointed with himself. Fine. Aubrey is nauseating with Nick. Scotty and Austin bemoan the weight the camera adds. Everyone is in a bad mood. This video package seems to be attempting to inspire sympathy, but most of them deserve to feel bad. They were not awesome last night. Aubrey and Nick talk to each other through a curtain or door or both, and Nick confesses he has some big news. I am expecting some lame attempt at an explanation for his pathetic crush on Kara over the past week (helpfully shown on the show last night), when he announces that his ex-girlfriend is pregnant! I mean, it’s not a hot-tub orgy, but it’s not chopped liver either. Then Aubrey cries and cries and says Nick broke her trust and stomped on her heart and proclaims she will never fall in love again and oh my god she has only known him for two weeks. We return to the live stage where George asks Nick about the whole situation. He looks like he’s been crying a lot this week, and is being very mature and responsible about all of this. Caitlin says this is a great opportunity to support her fellow housemates, Aubrey. Next up, we’re announcing the bottom three. Adam is up first. I start praying that George tells him to stay on the stage, meaning he will be in the bottom three. And what do you know, Adam is told to stay on the stage. But then it gets even better – only three people in the audience clap for him. That is how bad he was, you guys, and now you know it’s not just me. Jeremiah, Austin, and Syesha are then all told to take their seats, meaning (natch) that they are safe. I am totally fine with that. Jeremiah redeemed himself in the group sing-out last night. Scotty is told to take his seat. Hmm… I’m not sure about that yet. He was pretty bad. But next up is Jackie, who is the second person I very much want to be in the bottom three. Her multitude of excuses for her crappy singing is the one entertaining thing about her. She looks upset even before Georgie reads the result, and, indeed, she is in the bottom three. Two for two! Nick is then told to take a seat. Okay, he was really, really bad last night. He was maybe the second worst (next to Adam). However, I feel for him today, so that’s fine, and I totally see how his fan base (does this show even have fan bases?) would have easily realized he was in trouble and voted for him. Then he loses all the goodwill he just built up tonight by hugging Aubrey. Gross. But then he hugs all of the other people still onstage. Phew! Michael is sent back to the couch, which is no big surprise. So that leaves us with Drama Queen Aubrey and Caitlin. But wait! Then Jackie (the hell?) is sent back to the couch. All right, this is officially not okay. Caitlin was the best last night, and Jackie is just not good. But as long as Adam (or even DQ Aubrey) goes home, this night can be saved. So. Adam, DQ Aubrey, and Caitlin have to sing for their lives, or something equally dramatic. Naturally, this is told to us by George, who loves the drama almost as much as Aubs. When we return from commercial, something truly horrifying occurs. George welcomes us back to The One, “where the competition never ends.” Oh my god, y’all, that’s pretty much my worst nightmare. Can you imagine listening to Adam “sing” every week forever? Seriously. I think Georgie just scared off the two other people watching this show. And speaking of Adam, he’s up first. We get some video to remind us that Adam is a big huge baby and hates lots of songs and thinks he has a big range. I beg to differ. If you’ll recall from last night, Adam has no range and is a crappy singer. The judges, according to Adam, are not giving him songs that showcase him as an artist. Yeah. That’s the problem, Adam. In video filmed after last night’s show, Adam blames his craptacular performance on seeing the video of himself talking about his father’s death right before he went on stage. You know, I almost don’t blame him for using that excuse because I remember George or one of the judges basically handing it to him on a silver platter last night. Thanks, guys. However, then Adam takes the excuse one step further and literally says, “My mind went from thinking song, about the song, to oh I forgot I don’t have a father.” You forgot you didn’t have a father? I… don’t even know what to say, really. Please send him home! George asks the judges for some final advice for Adam before he performs. Kara wants Adam to stick to the melody and listen really hard for the pitch. If only! Andre wants Adam to do his best; I think Andre is so not wasting his time on this one. Mark says— Mark Hudson Fashion Bulletin: Yesterday’s General Parrot Heart is decidedly more subdued this evening. His ensemble tonight is brought to you by the color pea green. He is wearing a pea green blazer, a pea green newsboy cap, a pea green vest (thankfully sans gigantic red heart!), a pea green striped shirt, pea green leather pants, and a pea green ascot AND a pastel diamond-pattern tie. An ascot and a tie, y’all. He also needs to retouch the part of his beard that is dyed eggplant purple, as it is fading fast. —blah blah blah poetry blah blah sing the melody. Adam is going to sing Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff.” Okay, here’s the thing. I don’t know who convinced Adam that he has this big range he keeps telling the judges about, but whoever did was lying. Adam sounds exactly like last night, which means he is not so much singing as wailing, and he cannot carry a tune. He also makes faces of extreme anguish and torture throughout the entire song; again, same as last night. Once the chorus starts, he definitely gets a bit better. There are no more torture faces, and there is a discernable melody. Then, suddenly, my screen goes black! Have the TV gods heard my prayers and either cancelled this show or, at the very least, taken Adam off my TV? Alas, it is just that it is 9 o’clock and my TiVo is starting to record the two shows that start at 9. Damn. Next up is Caitlin. Yay! Caitlin’s video clip reveals that she has been sick for the past week, explaining the lack of high notes yesterday. Mark believes in Caitlin. Andre thinks Caitlin is really really good. Me too! So does Kara. Well. I’m glad we are all in agreement. Can we just send Adam home now? Caitlin is singing “Barracuda” by Heart. Caitlin looks fierce and stomps around the stage. Then she starts running around the stage. Caitlin is not wearing any shoes. Oh, and she sounds great, very… hmmm… not hardcore, but just fierce… with the ‘80s rock number. I think the judges are going to save her, because she can sing a melody, unlike some other contestants who shall remain nameless, Adam. Next up? DQ Aubrey, who, according to George, has been on an “emotional rollercoaster” this week. Okay, seriously, she has only known Nick for two weeks, and I think his life is a bit more shaken up right now than DQ Aubrey. We learn in the video clip that DQA always wears fake eyelashes and frosty eyeshadow, and that when Nick doesn’t know what to say, she is more than ready to passive-aggressively inform him that he doesn’t have to say he’s sorry. DQA then breaks into a song on her guitar, because this is certainly the most appropriate time. Okay, but DQ Aubrey isn’t done. She goes outside and slams her guitar against the ground. Y’all, DQA is effing nuts. The judges tell her to use what she’s going through and be a rock chick, and in general seem inclined to be sympathetic to her tonight. We shall see. Aubrey is singing Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock and Roll.” Okay, this might not be a bad choice, as the song has none of the following: a large or high range, or a deep message. But aside from that, I do think DQA’s voice could fit this quite well. Aubrey is wearing skin-tight (literally) leather pants with tacky “western” designs on them. She is wearing a shirt from the Ryan Starr (AI season 1, not to be confused with Ryan Star of Rock Star season 2) Shredwear Collection. Aubrey stomps around the stage, sings the song pretty much as Joan Jett did, and sounds good. Please send Adam home! When we come back from commercials, George promises that I will soon never have to see one of these people (Please be Adam!) again. Andre thinks Adam’s heart and work ethic are great, and that he celebrated the Marley song, but that he still needs vocal work. Mark thinks that Adam is more of a storyteller than a singer, and that he doesn’t fit into this competition. ME TOO. Kara thinks Adam cannot sing on pitch or in tune. YES. Andre likes Caitlin’s vocal and performance choices, and loves her zooming around the stage. Andre enjoyed looking at DQ Aubrey’s “hot rock and roll pants,” which probably means he did not like her performance. Andre intrigues me. I wonder if his irrelevant comments come from a place where he realizes what a hot mess this show is but can’t back out now and just really doesn’t care so much who wins. Andre liked her performance. George realizes we’re running out of time, so he calls for the judges’ votes and the reasoning behind them. Andre votes to save Caitlin. Yay! Mark votes to save DQ Aubrey. Remembering his declaration of last week’s results show – that he has to be true to his rock roots – this is not surprising. Kara votes for Caitlin because she stepped out of her shell and was a “wild, sexy woman.” YAY! Caitlin is safe. The crowd is happy, and then starts cheering for Aubrey. Seriously, you can hear people yell her name. George chooses to interpret this as DQ Aubrey and Adam having lots of fans. Back from commercials, it’s time for the other contestants to vote. Jeremiah thinks this is hard, and votes for Adam to stay because they both cry a lot. Scotty votes for Adam because he “took chances.” Caitlin votes for DQ Aubrey. I love Caitlin SO MUCH. Syesha votes for Adam for taking risks. You guys, Adam is a BAD SINGER. Nick votes for Aubrey before George even finishes asking him who he’s voting for. I guess he kind of has to after he stomped all over her heart and made her unable to trust and fall in love again, you know? Austin is close with both of them, and votes for Adam for stepping it up. He says that Adam gave his best performance tonight, and if by that Austin means that he at least managed to sing part of the song with a melody and unaccompanied by torture faces, um… I guess so. Really, though, I think the other people in the house have had enough of DQ Aubrey and her two-week-old declarations of love and her songs about her current hook-up’s pregnant ex-girlfriend and her smashing of guitars. Jackie instructs everyone to listen up, please. Yeah, she is voting for Adam. She is soooo sick of DQ Aubrey hogging the pretty girl who kind of can’t sing spotlight, y’all. Jackie is ready for her turn. Right. Now. So Aubrey is going home. Everyone joins her up on stage to “sing” Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” They have some trouble getting started up, there is some okay singing in the middle, especially from Syesha and Caitlin, and then, just to remind us of what show we’re watching, some really crappy harmony at the end. Aubrey, mascara running down her face in true Drama Queen fashion, promises we have not heard the last of her. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6289.art&page=1

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