The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 3 MVP and LVP – The Magic Tour Bus by Jennifer McBride -- 01/25/2007 The Reality Television Goddess returns to honor one Apprentice and dishonor another. The latter award should be pretty obvious, but who will be named MVP? And will the Laker Girls figure into the decision or is this just some gratuitous cheesecake from the editors? Or both? Find out inside! Sorry my column’s late this week. I got the kind of cold that hits you like a bazooka ball to the face. Nevertheless, I have returned to dictate to you precisely what you must think about everything. If my long absence has granted you time to develop the first inklings of free thought, shake them off! I command you! Pay no attention, reader, to the tingling feeling that comes from the free will being ripped away. The painful sensations will ease in time. Team Hottie got to take the day off, so I can’t say much about them other than they look nice in swimsuits. Which is one of the primary traits you need to be selected to be the Apprentice. To replace Team Hottie, we have Team Closer and Team Adaptor. I have decided that whoever came up with the NBC nicknames must have either a) never seen any of the show in editing or b) is smoking crack. Because none of them ever seem to reference anything we ever see on camera. But before we mock them, I do have one comment for Team Kinetic overall: SHAME ON YOU. You all should be fighting to be Project Manager. You practically guaranteed that none of you, with the exception of Aaron, will be hired, because if there’s one thing Trump hates, it’s people who don’t step up. I question why you want to be there at all if you’re not willing to stick your neck out even an inch. That’s why I think Mr. Trump made a mistake by firing Carey. He was willing to take a risk, but now Trump’s stuck with a dozen people who knock knees at the thought of having the slightest responsibility. Team Adaptor: Laker girls. Lovely. I’m beginning to think that the “What Apprentices Should Have Learned” column could be finished in two words: sex sells. Aaron did learn the lesson that previous seasons have taught him, and he did a little more than encourage his women to dress scantily. His team learned REAL facts… how about that, he anticipated the tourists cared about seeing something besides the Laker Girls’… scenery. James did a good job this week scoping out the other tour buses and asking people what they wanted. I don’t think Perrier and popcorn made a huge difference in the long run, but it’s the little things that make tour busses occasionally not suck. James also understood that more people are likely to have fun if the tour guide is having fun, even if he did take that principle just a tad too far. After that, Stefani did a good job smoothing over the ripples. The two of them should have turned it into an act, the Abbot and Costello, of the double-decker buses. After the show ends, I fully expect to pass Stefani on the highway. She’ll have one high heel perched on the railing of a red bus, a microphone in her hand and the wind in her hair. Of course, the banner on the bus side will read “I Joined The Apprentice to Be a Reality Star But All I Got Was This Lousy Tour Bus Gig,” but hey, a paycheck’s a paycheck, and at least you wouldn’t have to sleep in a tent with those creepy lizards. Team Closer: I think that Michelle’s nickname of “the Closer” seems exceptionally ironic. She should be nicknamed “the Undecider.” Every move she made involved trying to cover her very cute bottom. She should have delegated the route planning or given the other part of her team something more productive to do than roam the town aimlessly. It doesn’t take a whole day to make banners and buy tuxedos. She spent most of her introduction babbling and she tried to lead by consensus when she needed to prove to her team and to herself that she didn’t need anyone to prop her up. Basically, her performance was full of mistakes, and it’s a wonder that her teammates didn’t have ballistic meltdowns. Tim did a good job of trying to nudge her on the right track, but in the end he should have just forced his way down her throat. If he would have made all the decisions for her, it might have put him at risk in the boardroom, but it might also have led to a team victory. Tim proved himself again to be a good speaker, even if he did make his John Belushi faux pas. Not only was it bad for the kiddies, but it also was something everyone knew. If you’re going to hurt my children’s chances of development, at least give me news I can use! For example, saying that John Belushi died weeks before he was to present the first ever Visual Effects Oscar with he co-star Dan Akroyd, that’s real trivia! Sorry, Tim, but if that’s the best you can come up, you might have been better off shutting up and waving your ass-ets at all the female tourists. Nicole gets points for suggesting tuxedos, though the ones they selected made them look more like caterers. She should have gone one step further with cheap red carpets and gold lettering. The tacky police might have tried to put out an APV, but I’m sure there are lots of tourists who would love the quote-on-quote “star treatment”. Overall, I think Team Closer showed that it had some mildly redeeming qualities when they didn’t throw Michelle under the bus in the pre-boardroom boardroom. For that, they gain the title of “Not Quite Scum of the Earth.” Scum of the Earth is the initial position, in my book, for anyone who goes on The Apprentice. After all, working closely with Mr. Trump would cause normal human beings to try to choke themselves with their own neckties. Anyone competing for that privilege fits in more with the species of algae. So which of these particular Sphagnales will be enthroned beside me? Who gets the MVP and who gets the LVP? Thunder rolls in the heavens as the Reality Television Goddess stretches forth her arm and chooses: Aaron! Congratulations, you unbearably handsome man, you. The brilliant, piercing light of my presence overflows as I pull you to the throne beside me. I would go on your serial-killer themed bus tour, but then, again, everyone knows that I’m filled with sadistic evil. Bask in my presence while you can, because I see a very attractive PM who is pissed off and ready to mudwrestle you in order to once again win my favor. But what’s that shrinking in the corner? Could it be yet another attractive woman hiding from my wrath? Michelle, you failed to lead and you failed to follow. It’s ironic that you tried to obtain consensus when you tore togetherness apart within your own team. You also failed to give me, the viewer, an entertaining blow-up scene. If you’re going to resign, must you do it with class and dignity? Must you avoid the thing that you’re aching to do--calling the people around you salted slugs and Mr. Trump himself a pus-filled lump on society’s appendix? For not giving voice to the agony of the people, I sentence you to three whacks of my imperial scepter.