Desperate House Husbands: The Beginning
Desperate House Husbands. Not too far into this one but I see this neighborhood of guys, with their wives conveniently absent, just like here. These guys Jayusmagnus, StillBrad, Matt, QBone and Hak are in their different houses, not doing clean-up, just loafing around, drinking lemonade and cokes (except for Matt who is an alcoholic). Young Phil, a clean-scrubbed college boy, is going door to door trying to get a job cutting grass but, so far, no takers. He's at Jaymag's house, making his pitch when this motorcycle babe, Pika, roars her Harley up to his door, leaving Phil in a cloud of smoke. Jaymag notices her tight, sequined red tanktop, all glittery and all (as does StillBrad, the neighborhood peeping tom who is leering from next door). Pika purrs "hey dude, need your lawn mowed by a pro" Jaymag's tongue hanging out, shoves Phil aside "get away kid, you bother me. Sure do, Miss. Just name your price. I'm sure it'll be fair" Okay that's the only two I've come up with so far. Are they sellable? Would you watch them if they were on TV? DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS, CHAPTER 2 : Pika slowly stripped off her tight, sequined, glittery red tanktop, revealing a shiny, satiny black bustier with no visible means of support and sensuously asks Jaymags "Where's the gas for your lawn mower?" In the next house over, the neighborhood peeping tom StillBrad falls off his stool and his binoculars slide on the floor down the hall, so loud that Pika and Jaymags look up to see what the racket is. Pika starts mowing as a dejected Phil watches from across the street, and Jaymags and StillBrad watch from within their homes. Pika stops, wipes her brow and motions to Phil to come over to her. "Hey, sorry you didn't get the job but you gotta give the customer what he wants. Why don't you go down to that corner and go left two blocks where I saw a library when I was coming through. Maybe there are some job listings there." "Thanks, said Phil, I'll do that" As he goes down to the corner, he sees on the other side of the street, two young women dressed in what looks like school girl clothes. He smiles. Lil Miss and Brinna wave back and continue on up the street. Pika had been done with Jaymags' yard for about 10 minutes, when he came outside and handed her a lemonade. "Hey, lookin' good and I don't mean just the yard. Why don't you cut it again, just to be sure. Pika said, "Welll mister I don't know if your wife would like you throwing away money like that" Oh, don't worry about that honey. I know my wife like a book and she ain't around to know any different, if you get my drift. AT THE LIBRARY: Phil enters the library and goes up to the information desk where he sees a name plate that says Mrs. Jayusmagnus and says "excuse me, lady". Bookie turns to him and says "yes, young man, how may I help you?" TO BE CONTINUED

DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS, CHAPTER 3: "I'm looking for a job and I was hoping to cut some grass in the neighborhood around here" said Phil. Bookie takes off her glasses, undoes the hairpin holding her hair up and shakes her full mane of hair from side to side, letting it cascade down below her shoulders, then levels her eyes on young Phil. "I have a lawn that needs to be mowed. Badly. Think you're up to it?" Phil gulps, turns red, and stammers "Sssssure, I can. Ummm, where?" Bookie smiles, in that knowing "Mrs Robinson" way and tells the young, strapping lad, right out loud her desires "Front yard. Ten bucks. Trim the hedges. Five more bucks. Go right for two blocks and turn right at the corner of Volcano and Sandbar. Go up Sandbar until you come to a house with a red brick driveway. That's my home. Knock on the door and my husband will show you where the lawnmower is." Phil looked confused "A red brick driveway? I was just there. This girl with a motorcyle was cutting that yard and the man at the house told me to get lost." Bookie perked up, all ears. "Huh? A girl on a motorcycle? By any chance, was this girl wearing a trashy red tanktop? When I was unlocking the library this morning, I about jumped out of my skin when this motorcycle mama gunned her motor and sped on down the street." "Well, she was in that at first but now it's this really hot, mighty fine bbbblack bbbbbustier" stuttered Phil, trying to keep his smile to himself. WHAT?!!! Then Bookie mutters to herself, "Up to your old tricks again, eh, Jaymags? I bet you think you know me like a book. Well, mister, you never got past the first chapter!" Then to Phil: "I think I have another job in mind for you, young man, if you are game... I just need to make a quick phone call to my sister. BACK ON SANDBAR AVENUE: Lil Miss and Brinna walk up to the house that is directly opposite of Jaymag's house where Pika is now cutting the front yard for the third time in 2 hours. "Okay, Brinna, now remember what I told you. Keep your eyes peeled for anything of value. We're just casing the houses now. We'll come back later and steal what we want. Don't forget our cover is that we are Mormon girls on a mission so act like a demure lady at all times. Are you listening to me?" Brinna, eyeing Pika and Jaymags across the street: "I sure wish I had a bustier like that. I had a black cami one but that is da bomb. Don't you think I'd look sooooo HOT in that, Lil Miss?" Lil Miss, so exasperated "Listen up Brinna, you ..... TO BE CONTINUED

Brinna and Lil Miss are thieves pretending to be "Mormon girls on a mission"? Kewl. :cool: :wink:

DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS, CHAPTER 4: "Brinna, focus on what you see in the houses that we can come back and steal and forget about clothes, shoes and bling bling for now" said Lil Miss as she knocked on the door of the house right across from Jaymag's house where Pika is cutting the grass. Brinna sulks and poutily says "Kay, but I miss my bling bling wearing these Mormon clothes and ..." Lil Miss snarls "Will you shut up! Mormons don't say Mormons, they say Church of the Latter Day Saints. You'll blow our cover talking like that." A voice from inside the house where Lil Miss has knocked says "I cannot open the front door. Go to the side door!!" The two girls go down the driveway to the side of the house where the door is opened by a woman dressed in a red, flimsy nightgown covered, barely, with a see-through ruffled robe and spiked red heels, talking on a cell phone. Over her ample bosoms are stitched, obviously handmade, two name tags " DarStar" and "Chaos !" "Yeah, Bookie, I already know about it. Your hubby obviously thinks that since I'm working the night shift at Tim Horton's now that I don't wake up until the morning but, girl, he's had her cut that front yard three times now. Listen, let me call you back, I gotta take out some trash now. Love you, sis!" Lil Miss begins "Hello, Mrs ... uh, Darstar. We are on a mission from the Church of Latter ...." "Oh, save it for your aging johns! I know all about your "mission". What's the going rate nowadays for a "short time" and an "overnight"? You two tramps get out of here before I call the cops! This is a decent neighborhood. And that's Mrs. Zoltan the Merciless to you!" DarStar slams the door in the faces of the two stunned girls. "I didn't think she had met us before" said a puzzled Brinna as the two girls walked back to the street and headed for the next house. Pika was taking another lemonade break as, unknown to all, peeping tom StillBrad focused his binoculars, first here, then there, surveying the entire neighborhood. "Oh shut up, Brinna, she doesn't know us from Adam, and I told you before that no matter what our parents do, we are not tramps! And there's no way this Mrs. Zoltan whatever could know whether we are tramps or not. I'm so tired of being judged by what my daddy does." "Who's your daddy?" said Brinna "Ooooo, baby, who's your daddy?" leered StillBrad from his second story window as his binoculars fogged up as he gazed from Pika to the two girls and back again. "Jeremy is my daddy's name" said Lil Miss. "Jeremy?! Oh, no not Jeremy!! I thought we came here to Sandbar to escape Jeremy!" cried Brinna. "Ron Jeremy, you nitwit. The porno star, remember?" said Lil Miss. "Here look at these Hawaii pictures of mine again." "Oh, yeah, now I remember. I hope there aren't any frogs like that in this neighborhood" said Brinna. Lil Miss, so out of patience, said "Those are geckos, not frogs. Gecko, Gecko, Gecko, GECKO !!!" Lil Miss knocks on the front door of the house next to DarStar's house and diagonal to Jaymags house where Pika is starting to cut the front yard for the fourth time. On the front door is a brass nameplate with the word "Qbone" on it. TO BE CONTINUED

Dude! :shock: I hope my wife is giving me a generous allowance or Pika is going to beat the tar out of me for non-payment...as I seem to be running up a huge yard-maintainence bill. I wonder if Pika takes credit? :lol:

Hmm...I don't remember dying my hair blond but I seem to have lost a few IQ points. :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol: No offense to any natural blonds on the board intended.

Ample bosom and a hottie husband!! :cool: is Tigris my boss? :grin:

..."Ron Jeremy, you nitwit. The porno star, remember?" said Lil Miss. "Here look at these Hawaii pictures of mine again." ... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Desperate House Husbands
Wow. That's some imagination you got there, PanBoy. Keep the stories coming, I like 'em. :grin:

DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS, CHAPTER 5: "Okay, Pika, that'll be all for this morning" said Jaymags, as he nervously glanced across at the house across the street where his sister-in-law DarStar lived. She worked the night shift at Tim Horton's and would be waking up soon and wuld love to run tell Bookie what she had seen. But Jaymags was too smart for that. "Let's see that four mowings at $25.00 apiece so here is $100.00. And, please, don't be a stranger. Come back tomorrow morning. Early." "Sure, mister, it's your money. Well, it was" smiled Pika as she tucked the $100.00 bill into the depths of her, uh, black bustier. Jaymags's eyes followed the money then his neck popped back up before Pika could get the wrong idea that he was a peeping tom or a nosey busybody. (Next door, StillBrad gasped and fell backwards off of his stool and his binoculars slid on the floor down the hall when he saw where the money had disappeared to. Across the street, DarStar, on her cellphone with her sister Bookie, Jaymags' wife, peered from behind her living room curtains, her eyes trained on Pika and Jaymags "Yeah, honey, and that bustier is so tight that her lungs, if you get my meaning, look like they're about to fall out. Whatever you do to him is going to be too kind.") Meanwhile, Lil Miss knocks on the door of QBone's house and both she and Brinna gasp when a sword-wielding man opens the door and looks down at them. Behind him, they could see a spacious living room and a woman sitting in a chair with a notepad of some sort. Lil Miss said ""Hello, Mr. ... uh, QBone. We are on a mission from the Church of Latter ...." QBone smiles broadly, as he looks beyond the girls and sees black bustier-clad Pika revving up her motorcyle. QBone feels pretty revved up himself but swings his attention back to the two girls "Say no more honey. I have always been a proud supporter of your organization, love them Do-si-dos and Trefoils and those Samoas are to die for. You Girl Scouts are just a little late this year. I've already donated, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck. I'd love to chat some more, find out about your merit badges and what-not but I'm in a bit of a rush (motions to the woman behind him) so if you'll excuse me" and QBone shuts the door. "We're Girl Scouts? I thought you said we wuz Mormons. I'm so confused now" said Brinna. An exasperated Lil Miss said "I swear you're a blonde. You seem to lose IQ points by the minute." Brinna replied "All I'm saying is that your plan ain't working. At this rate I will never get to talk to anyone about even the most superficial aspects of polygamy and the various theories of transubstantiation." Lil Miss gasped "Brinna, you really did read those tracts I gave you!" Brinna said "Well, duh. Hey, did you see that sword he had. Kewl. I bet it's worth a lot of money." Lil Miss "I sure did. You can tell he takes good care of it too the way he was polishing it and all. Let's go to the next house. I am so proud of you." Within the QBone House, QBone speaks to the woman "Sorry, for that interruption, it was some Girl Scouts. Come to think of it, I've never seen Girl Scouts dressed like that, no medallions or merit badges. Anyway, as I was saying, I am taking my friend Matt who lives next door on a tour of the wine country. He's an alcoholic, his wife has just left him and he's drinking, well not in a responsible way, and I want to show him the "joy of the vine". I'm widowed, a man all alone, without a woman by my side, and that's why I need someone who can watch my kids while I am gone. Are you qualified to do that, Miss, Mrs. ... ?" "Rufus. Mrs. Rufus. Yes, I am very qualified. I ran a child care service back in my hometown and I had to keep up with many children, all under the age of 6 plus watch 5 cats. You can rest easy with me keeping an eye out on your children and your home, Mr. QBone." said Rufus. MEANWHILE ABOUT 50 MILES NORTH OF THE SANDBAR NEIGHBORHOOD, UP IN THE WINE COUNTRY: "Hey Princess Poopypants! Glad I got you on the phone before you went to the winery. I just heard from QBone. He's coming up for a week and he's bringing a friend. Maybe we can all get together while they're here. Good! I'll catch you later." Rubini then lays her cellphone aside and began putting on her own "Wine Maid" dress. TO BE CONTINUED

DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS, CHAPTER 6: "Gosh, that girl's scooter sure is loud" said Brinna as Pika barrelled her hog down Sandbar Street and out of sight. But just as Pika disappeared headed east and Jaymags went inside, the two fake Mormon girls jerked their necks in the opposite direction where Bookie roars up from the west, with Phil riding in the front seat of her 1995 cherry pink Nissan pickup . DarStar runs out the front door yelling, "Bookie, she just drove off. She went thataway!!" Bookie slows down enough for DarStar to leap into the bed of the truck right next to a 7 foot statute of "David" , her impact on landing knocking off the towel that was draped around "David's, uh, "special area" . " Well hel-lo-o" murmured DarStar in admiring appreciation, her ample bosoms heaving from her exertions. "Gun that motor, Bookie! She couldn't have gone far. We can come back and deal with Jaymags later!" "This sure is a wierd neighborhood" said Lil Miss as she knocked on the door of the house right next to QBone's house. "People sure get their lawns mowed a lot. And instead of thinking we are Mormon girls on a mission which happens all over North America, DUH, we get taken for tramps, then Girl Scouts. I hope this is a normal household." The door opens. Brinna and Lil Miss see a smiling guy with a baseball cap turned backward on his head, dressed in a Star Trek suit.. In one hand is a can of "Quittin Time Beer" and in the other is a Star Trek comic book. Behind the obviously drunken man are stacks and stacks and stacks of comic books. The girls can clearly see that some are of Superman, Nancy Drew, Brenda Starr and Spiderman. But the major collection is definitely of Star Trek -- not only comic books but posters, rugs, even the wallpaper. Brinna and Lil Miss looked at each other and both had the same thought, about that article that they had read about a Star Trek/pedophile link, but Lil Miss bravely started her memorized speech that she had not yet got to finish "Hello, Sir. We are on a mission from the Church of Latter ...." "Oh, stop it, I know who you girls are! Shoot, I'm not that drunk! But where are the cameras? You know you look different in real life than you do on the show. But I'd know you anywhere, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. Why I'm probably the biggest fan of "The Simple Life" you'll find around here! Come on in girls and sit a spell! By the way, call me Matt. Matt's my name, comic books my game!" said Matt. "Oops there's the phone, be back in a minute, little ladies!" laughed Matt. "Let's scram, Lil Miss! There's no money in comic books and did you see all that Star Trek stuff? You read that article about the Star Trek link with pedophilia just like I did. Maybe there's nothing to it but, gosh, he was so drunk I don't see how he could stand up. Let's go on to another house." said Brinna. "Yeah, you're right, this guy wouldn't know a Mormon from a Klingon but it was kinda nice being mistaken for Paris Hilton" smiled Lil Miss. "What do you mean he mistook YOU for Paris Hilton? He wasn't THAT DRUNK. Anyone could see that I look ten times more like Paris Hilton than you ever could" snorted Brinna. "In. Your. Dreams. Brinna." said Lil Miss who gives Brinna the tiniest of shoves to emphasize her words. "You're a born Nicole Richie!" Brinna shoves Lil Miss back just a fraction harder than Lil Miss had shoved her. Lil Miss shoves back. Then Brinna shoves back. "Oh, yeah, girls let's get down and dirty," said peeping tom Stillbrad from across the street. "Yeah, let's get all those frustrations out. Ooooo, nice left hook!! Omigod, that's gonna hurt for a week or more. Ahhh nice tackle in response. Oh yeah, roll over all the ground and...." BRAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!! yelled a woman's voice from downstairs so startling StillBrad that he fell backwards off of his stool and his binoculars slid on the floor down the hall. 'I'VE ASKED YOU FOR TWO SOLID HOURS TO BRING YOUR WHEELCHAIR AND COME DOWN HERE AND DO YOUR THERAPY EXERCISES! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING WHEELIES TODAY!" said Truelysapphire once known for having the loudest lungs in Louisiana. "DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO COME UP THERE AND GREASE THOSE WHEELCHAIR WHEELS OF YOURS AGAIN TO GET YOUR SORRY BUTT IN MOTION! YOU KNOW I KNOW HOW TO DO IT BECAUSE I'VE DONE IT BEFORE AND IT ONLY GETS EASIER EACH TIME." ""Dang, just when this girl fight was getting good" said StillBrad as he picked himself up off the floor and went downstairs. "Coming, dear." Lil Miss and Brinna were now locked in what looked like a death struggle, both had their hands full of each other's hair, making furious faces at each other as they rolled across Matt's yard and into the next yard. Their grunts and noises caused the man of the house to open his door. "Oh, my goodness, well if it isn't a pair of Church of the Latter Days Saints' girls on a mission. And what partners don't have a falling out now and then from time to time? You girls must be near the end of your two years! Well, well it happened to me on mine and that guy later became my brother-in-law Calvin. Calvin was so out of it he wouldn't even show up for his own birthday celebration!" said the man. Brinna and Lil Miss stopped rolling on the ground and peered up at him in disbelief that someone at last had recognized them as Mormons in this crazy neighborhood. "Come on, come on, get up and come inside and we'll talk us some Book of Mormon!! By the way, my name is Hakeedohn but you can call me 'Hak'. said Hak. "What would you like to discuss first because I've got all day long to chit-chat?" "Mosiah?" croaked Brinna remembering off the top of head one of the names of one of the books in the Book of Mormon as she stood up and brushed the grass and dirt off of her clothes. Lil Miss stared at her, with her eyes agape as she also dusted herself off silently saying to herself "Oh, no, anything but the Book of Mosiah. We'll be stuck here all day and, if this Hak, who is so gabby and long-winded, enjoys talking about Mosiah at all, our cover will be blown, quicker than you can say 'Moroni'." "Excellent choice!" said Hak as he rubbed his hands together in glee. "The Book of Mosiah is religiously rich, symbolically meaningful, chronologically complex, and politically significant. Although its disparate events range from 200 to 91 B.C., they are unified particularly by the theme of deliverance and by the reign of the Nephite king Mosiah 2." "Oops." said both Lil Miss and Brinna in unison. TO BE CONTINUED

Re: Star Trek Sucks
Just for the record, I hate Star Trek. Ugh.

Just for the record...I don't have to pay to "get my lawn mowed." :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: