America's Got Talent

America's Got Talent, June 22: Bang a Gong, Get It On by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 06/22/2006 Simon Cowell's latest project has already generated a lot of negative press, but does the show deserve it? Judge for yourself as Tyler guides you through the two-hour premiere. The ads have shown Alexis Jordan in a positive light and Dave the Horn Guy (right) in the light of the red Xs. Are they truthful, or is it actually a double success (or failure)? Let's find out. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first episode of America's Got Talent. I hope you have already read my preview of this show. What I didn't include in that article is the amount of vitriol the show has attained. One piece is worthy of special attention. After the preview article appeared, we received e-mail about a website talking about the audition process. Actually, it was more of how unfair it was. You can read it at www.bassharp.com/agt.htm. Let's see if what is shown reflects the writer's sentiments. Tonight, we watch our Los Angeles hopefuls gives us their best. Some will wow us. Other will wimp out. We see clips of a whole bunch of wannabe millionaires. We have singers, dancers, acrobats, monkeys, fake tongues, transvestites, and a really bad yodeler. Hoo boy. This might be worse than I thought. Regis introduces us to the band, the stage, the contestants from the L.A. casting call, and the three judges – David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and Piers Morgan. Check out my preview article for more info on them. David says he's looking for the American dream. He wants fresh, new, exciting, and attention-grabbing. Brandy is looking to be moved by something she's never seen before (the aforementioned website will disagree). Piers wants the winner of the show to have as much impact as royalty, and asks the viewers to prove their talent. The way this works is Regis will call out a group of performers, who will then perform for the judges. The first group of names called are Dave the Horn Guy, At Last, Syd the Kid, and professional snappist Bobby Badfingers from San Francisco, who we see first. His talent is speedy rhythmic snapping to the tune “Wipeout.” Oh, and very cheesy dancing. The snapping is cool, but I would have X'ed him at the awful booty bouncing. Thank heavens I'm not a judge. Piers doesn't know why, but he loved it. Brandy was amazed. The judges vote yes with their snaps. Bobby Badfingers has the talent to go through. Bobby hopes to make snapping a professional instrument. Maybe this show won't be so bad after all. Following Bobby is Colorado Springs' Dave "The Horn Guy" Ewns. If you remember the commercials, they imply he's X'ed out early into his act. At first, it's easy to believe. He wears a tacky orange suit with a whole bunch of horns on it. He honks the horns to various tunes like “Frere Jacques.” He's not too bad, but it is a bit cheeseball, especially the MC Dave bit. Piers X'es him right away, but Brandy and David hold out. Piers thinks he belongs on the end of a pier. Brandy likes it, though. David is also impressed. Brandy and David outvote Piers, and Corny Horny goes through. Blue Velvet, a singing trio from San Diego whose lyrics include "Blue" and "Velvet," is next, and three seconds in, they're out. The vote is no, No, NOOOOO! I'm not sorry, I'm Not Sorry, I'm Not SOOOOORRYYYYY! Plus, if you're called Blue Velvet, you'd think you would be wearing, oh, I dunno, blue velvet? L.A.'s own At Last is up next. The members are Mike, Hans, DJ, and Justin. They call their style hip-hop-apella. They talk about their families wanting them to pursue law and medicine, but that quickly subsided. They sing "Ain't No Sunshine," and I'm glad they didn't go to law school. Brandy is very impressed, as am I. A minute into the singing, the beatboxing begins. It's a fantastic performance, and I predict good things for them. They get a standing O and a resounding yes from the judges. Piers wants them to change the look, but Brandy wants them to keep it. In any case, At Last will last in this contest. Sydney "Syd the Kid" Park, a stand up third grader, rants about the little boys that smell like cookies and dirt and her tubby mom. She's only eight, but she's eight times better than Last Comic Standing's Stella. She is such a natural on the stage, and her delivery is spot on. The material shows her lack of age, but for eight it's impressive. The judges are obviously impressed, and Syd the Kid now has an excuse to skip school. Whether or not she makes it all the way, she'll be a force in the future. The next group is called out, and the first to perform is Kenny Shelton, a juggler from San Diego. He says he doesn't drop, ever. I say the foreshadowing fairy just gave me a quarter. He starts with tennis rackets to "Cotton Eye Joe." His juggling is very amateurish and he drops everything. Piers and David X him simultaneously, and assist a stupefied Brandy in ending the embarrassment. Piers and Brandy criticize him for the dropping. Kenny asks to do his finale, and Piers gives him one minute with blades on a balance board. He makes it through the time, and makes it through the round. Rest assured, I won't be voting for him. After the break, we witness the Shadow Dancers from Los Angeles. And hopefully, they're found guilty. Basically, it's three humans in pirate costumes and a pony. Just be glad this isn't Tijuana. It's quite bad. The judges don't X them at all, probably because their brains have shut off. Nobody seems to understand what on Earth the performers are supposed to be doing. Piers asks the audience to vote. The audience responds with a resounding boo, and their sentence is ten to twenty off our TVs. Next on the strip is Las Vegas' 65-year-old Bernie Barker. He's a stripper. The world's oldest male stripper. Stripping to "She Bangs." With sparkles on his very tan chest. I'm wishing for a gunshot wound right now. Piers X's him, Brandy X's him, and Brandy X's him for David, who purportedly likes it. Brandy thinks America will root for him. Uh, then why did you X him? Nonetheless, Brandy and David vote yes due to insanity. Already, I see a major difference from Idol. Instead of showing a whole bunch of bad auditions that don't make it, we see a bunch of bad auditions that do make it. Next is the fourteen-year-old from the commercials, Alexis Jordan from Canyon Country, CA. She sings "I Have Nothing," a song I have heard on American Idol so many times I'd X her before she could sing. She's good, but I'm not nearly as impressed as the audience and the judges. And you, I bet. If she can sing something that doesn't make my stomach curdle, I'll join the fan club. David calls her awesome. Brandy calls her Miss Thing. Piers calls her a star. I call her slightly overrated. She doesn't have nothing, because she's in. The next group is announced before a commercial break. Another heavily-shown contestant from the ads is Eddie Haskell, a saw player from Whittier, CA. A very bad saw player. Believe me, I have seen saw players before, and Eddie stinks. The notes are not clean or pleasant at all. He's X'ed out in five seconds. David says he isn't ready for Eddie. Eddie and his saw are cut. Next up is Vista, CA, ventriloquist Kevin Johnson. His friends are Clyde the vulture and Matilda the parrot. He goes into a Godzilla bit with words that don't match mouth movements, and it's great. Piers X'ed him quickly, but then says he'd retract it. Brandy says she had a feeling he would be good, and was right to wait. Kevin and the two birds fly on through. Backstage, Matilda says she carried Kevin through it. Clyde says that was his job. Kathy Kavanaugh is a singing harpist from Vegas. Man, it's so hard to avoid a harpy joke, especially with the way she's dressed. It has the potential to be beautiful, but never reaches beyond boring. Piers wants her to play at his funeral. David says he imagined Kathy floating in the air. I think it's stupid that they call her talented and then eliminate her for being wrong for the competition (honestly, what?), but I don't think she would have done well anyway. At least Kathy would be happy to play at Piers' funeral. At this point, I have noticed that the editing is less than seamless. The commercial announcements, auditioner announcements, and actual performances just don't mesh as well as it could. Chatsworth, California’s Eric Mol, a.k.a. Harry Carrey, claims to be an impressionist. The only thing he can impersonate is a vacuum cleaner, because he sucks. Seriously, he attempts Arnold Schwarzenegger, one of the easiest people to do in the impression world, and he fails miserably. His Yoda and Shaggy aren't any better. David X's him quickly, and Brandy and Piers wait to X him at the same time. Piers considers the phrase "I'll be back" very inappropriate. Harry is obviously not pleased. A new group is called, and it's time for a hand balancing act from Vladimir Malachikhin of Las Vegas. He's very smooth and graceful. Brandy says it brought her into a peaceful mood. Piers was moved as well, especially for originally thinking he was going to hate it. David wants him to come back with a different outfit. Brandy with the same outfit. Piers with whatever. Vlad is glad to make it, and I am too. Next is Team AcroDunk of Houston, TX, and as the name suggests, they specialize in acrobatic basketball dunking. I've seen an act like this before, but I can't remember if it was them or not. Either way, I liked it. Piers X's them, but Brandy and David are much more impressed. In the judging, even Piers admits he enjoyed it a bit, calling them the new Globetrotters. They slam dunk their way through. They think the guy from England is wack for X'ing them. I think they're right. Long Beach's Jay Myl, dressed in a Napoleon costume designed by Jackson Pollack, plays "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" on a nose flute. He is very off key, and hopefully very off this show. As expected, he's X'ed out pretty quickly and won't be returning. However, he gets in a few fantastic barbs at the judges. Especially Brandy, asking what hit she has had lately. I'd put him through for that, but not his booger blower. Regis calls the next group, and 76-year-old Betty Victor of Marina Del Rey, CA, sings "God Bless America" for us next. Or at least I think that's supposed to be singing. Maybe it's a banshee language. The timing is off, and the tone is rather uninspiring. She's X'ed out by Piers alone, who compares her to an earwig. She asks to sing her high note. She does, and it's just okay for me. David thinks she was beautiful and the song needs to be sung more. (Un)fortunately, it's a no for Betty. She takes it well backstage. Up next, we have The Boofont "Sisters" from Silverlake. The quotes are there because one is actually a guy. They are wearing ridiculous wigs and even worse dresses. They sing an upbeat version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." It's kinda entertaining, but in more of a bar-where-you-get-very-drunk-and-hit-on-whoever way. Piers and Brandy are extremely quick to X, and they press David's button for him. He apparently likes it, and wants them together with Bernie the stripper, but it's not enough. Brandy thinks they can sing (what?), but she hates the outfits. The Boofants aren't exactly booed off, but they aren't millionaires either. Henderson, Nevada’s Ivan Pecel has a juggling act for us. The audience likes him, but I'm not impressed. It is nothing I haven't seen before. Piers and David X him quickly, and Brandy gives in a little later. David tries to explain his no, but stammers. Piers tries as well, but fails as well. I agree with Brandy that he is talented with juggling, but it's not enough. Brandy says yes, and Piers gives in to peer pressure from the audience and sends him through. Sigh. A Las Vegas magician named Nathan Burton performs a paper pad trick where he manifests a bowling ball. Then, it's the Microwave of Death, where he escapes the cooker... as a black dude. The dude quick-changes into a Jacko suit, dances a little, reenters the microwave, and reemerges as Nathan for more goofy dancing. Once again, it's an X from Piers and a Y from Brandy and David. Welcome back, Nathan. Next is a dance routine from The Holy Cow from Dania Beach, FL. The act involves cow breakdancing and squirting milk out to "Gonna Make You Sweat." It's funny, and a little gross. Piers and Brandy X him near the end. As Piers says, it would go over very well in an elementary school, but not enough for this show. David calls it udderly ridiculous, just like that pun. The Cow doesn't mooooove on (yeah, that stunk too). It's time for Regis to announce the next group, and Michael Speaks of L.A. hopes to impress with his gospel singing. He's okay, but I'm not feeling the faith personally. I'm obviously in the minority. Piers also calls him the best juggler he's seen thanks to his mic tossing. David likes how he added a pop style to the gospel song. I disagree, because I feel the pop style made the spiritual song very vapid. Nevertheless, the judges have spoken and Speaks goes through. Vladik, who I've seen before on PAX's Destination Stardom, is a juggler from Vegas with more dance to his act than other jugglers. He's also a much better juggler than the other jugglers we've seen. Piers' faith in jugglers has been revived, and says the audience should be ashamed for going crazy for lesser acts (see Ivan Pecel). David is still a holdout when it comes to jugglers, but Piers and Brandy are enough to send Vladik to the next stage. Starting the next group is Hinkley, Ohio’s Wild Life Wendy and her bird Wazoo. The act is all sound effects. It's cute, but I've seen so many different versions at so many parks and state fairs that I'm not as impressed. David says he enjoyed it, but wanted to see more speaking and singing. Piers is skeptical of the difficulty of training the bird. The judges are a little unfair in their parrot expectations, but I agree with the elimination. If she had more birds with her, it could have worked for her. Wendy isn't happy with the judges' critique of her animal, so JR Johns of Reno is hoping his dogs can balance the equation. He adopted all his dogs from the Humane Society. The act involves balancing, acrobatics, dorky dog costumes, and even a little magic. I personally haven't seen so many well-trained canines perform at once. The synergy is amazing, and the white dog, Badger, is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Although I'm pretty sure Jay Leno is not happy with the costumes used, I am impressed. The dogs and their trainer make it through. Up next is Vegas balloon entertainer S. Frank Stringham, a.k.a. S. He sings a song while working with balloon sculptures like eyes, ears, and lips. The sculptures are pretty cool, but the live act is less impressive. After getting X'ed (Brandy presses David's button), he asks for an opinion from Regis. And out comes a fantastic balloon sculpture of Regis! As a sculptor, he's a star. As a live entertainer, he's popped out and unpoopular. Anyone who gets that reference gets a bottle of Vitameatavegamin. Finally, we have The Rapping Granny from Castaic, CA. Another ad-shown performer purported to be a quick X-out, she actually makes it through the entire act. It isn’t half bad, especially for a old fart with old skool rap. What the heck, I like it. Granny says she started rapping because it was driving her crazy. Sweet! Brandy loves it, as does the audience. David calls her an inspiration. Piers says this is what this show is about. Once again, the ads lied, and The Rapping Granny moves on to round two. At the end, we get the names of the successful acts we didn't have a chance to see. They are Celtic Spring, Sugar & Spice, Jessica Sanchez, N-Versity, Rabbi Baptiste, George Kay, Andy Tatenga, Conrad Wright, Sean & John, Natasha Lee, Rialis, Kaitlyn Taylor Love, Marla & Michelle, Hell If I Know, Jess Schell, Stilt World, Hoopalicious, and Desperation Squad. These 18, added to the 16 we saw, make 34 winners from Los Angeles. I always wish they would do this with American Idol, so I'm glad they did it here. That ends the premiere of America's Got Talent. I might very well be in the minority here as well, but I liked it. Piers is definitely the Simon of the show, but Brandy is more Randy and David is more Paula. I'm glad the X'ing doesn't automatically mean elimination, though in the case of Kenny Shelton, I wish it did. I'll definitely be back next week, even if you aren't or the show isn't. If you'll give this show another chance as well, I'll see ya next week! Source: http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6208.art&page=1

Re: Terrible Show
I'm staying far, far away from this show. It looks terrible. And why exactly was David Hasselhoff offered the job as a judge? Was William Shatner busy? LMAO!

I actually caught some of this last night and just watched the train wreck called Hassel....whatever. Man that man is either on drugs, or somebody told him he was funny (wrong) :roll: I can not watch him again. ITA, Bookie, I watched bits of it and dh and I were laffin at Michael Knight thinkin he's all that! Dh kept crackin me up doing impersonations of Kit making commentary on Davids comments and behavior. LMAO!

It was just horrendous to watch him. Wanted to turn the channel but hubby was having too much fun watching it

America's Got Talent?? What does that say about our grammar?! I saw a short bit of this show, and I caught the 8 year old comedian. She was hilarious, and I wouldn't mind having the mp3 of it.

America's Got Talent?? What does that say about our grammar?! I saw a short bit of this show, and I caught the 8 year old comedian. She was hilarious, and I wouldn't mind having the mp3 of it. It says English is not one of America's talents. :lol:

I'd heard about this kid this morning. Everyone said he was good.

America's Got Talent, June 28: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 06/29/2006 The talent shifts to New York, home of such strange yet popular shows as Blue Man Group, Stomp, and Blast! On America's Got Talent, the strange definitely prevails. Who has the talent to get eliminated by the judges, and who's so bad they go through? Welcome back to America's Got Talent. If you weren't too turned off by the premiere, which many of the e-mails I received said, or you just want to read about the carnage, this is the place. By the way, the photo in the intro was found on the site for Beacher's Madhouse variety acts, which also includes last week's Bernie Barker and S. Frank Stringham. Hmm... Once again, the first thing to witness is the crowd of hopefuls at the registration. We see snippets of singers, dancers, and a stripping chimp. Hey, if Bernie Barker can make it, anyone can. I've read somewhere that the New York show was actually taped in the same place the L.A. show was. I'm not sure why, but since I remember seeing a prominent auditioner tonight backstage last week, I think they're right. Regis feels it's appropriate to reintroduce the judges, David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and Piers Morgan. The Xs are also reintroduced, in all their buzzing glory. Next, it's time for the Reege to announce the first group of auditioners. They are All That and William J. McGowan. I guess with only one hour of show, the groups called will be smaller. All That from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina kicks, or should I say clogs, off this week's show to Usher's "Caught Up." I believe this is the group we see dancing in the intro with the awesome music. In any case, they kick. The dancing is fast, on rhythm, and in sync. And for all those interested, they're very attractive. Brandy believes the name All That speaks for itself. David believes they have a shot at winning. Piers doesn't like them because every woman in America will love them. All joking aside, it's a unanimous yes for the dashing dancers prancing for the vixens (don't worry, Cupid is coming up soon). William J. McGowan from Whiting, New Jersey, is up next, and immediately I notice how much quicker this show is progressing. He sings "Cara Mia" or however it's spelled. At first he is okay, if a bit reminiscent of a singing hippo. As soon as he hits the up-tempo and the high notes, he is the singing hippo. Piers X's him first of course, with David and Brandy soon after. Piers calls him the worst singer he's ever heard. Brandy tells him straight – he can't sing. It's a no from Piers and David. It's a “hell no” from Brandy. McGowan is goin'. Another group is called up. Leonid the Magnificent of Brooklyn is next. I almost throw up. Leonid is a very tall (probably taller than I am) Russian man (at least that's what I'm told) wearing a short skirt, studded boots, heavy makeup, and red-pink-white wings. Apparently he's supposed to be balancing a sword on a knife in his mouth while accompanied by rather slow music. It's not bad for a starter, even though it takes a while. He attempts a split and drops the sword, prompting an X from Piers. He tries again, and makes it. Finally, he pulls out a string and balances the sword on that. Piers says he'd be great on his Christmas tree, but otherwise he's magnificently useless. Brandy disagrees, of course. David, who says Victoria's Secret took on a new meaning, calls it more scary than entertaining. Brandy votes yes, but David and Piers vote no. Thank you, guys. I don't want to see anyone taller than me on this show ever again. Elliot Zimet of the Bronx tries to talk into his microphone, but it's not working. Piers asks for a mic check. However, Elliot fixes the problem by tossing the mic towards the judges – and it turns into a dove! As you can probably guess, he's a magician. Other feats include morphing his phone into sunglasses, pulling a dove from a fake speaker and pulling a dove from that dove. The finale involves a beautiful macaw. Very original for a magic bird routine. Piers, who normally dislikes dove acts, is pleased. David was surprised, and Brandy, though scared at first, loved it. He's flying through to round two. Also from the Bronx, Corina Brouder is a singing harpist with the Sarah McLachlan hit "Angel." She's younger and better dressed than last week's Kathy Kavanaugh. And also more entertaining. She conveys much more than Kathy did. It also doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous. The singing does need a little work, though. Anyway, the judges find her beautiful and angelic. Corina is through to the next round, no strings attached. Dave Smith is a contortionist/singer/guitarist/freak singing with his legs behind his head. David X's him, but he's alone. Brandy likes him, and Piers brings him back for more stupidity. Good luck to the meh-ness to society. Backstage, Dave shows Regis more leg bending, and while he's there, Brandy calls him out... Brandy wants Leonid back on stage. She thought Wing Boy was great and wants the other two to reconsider. Leo starts bawling like, well, there really isn't a proper analogy for his waterworks. Even Niagara Falls isn't strong enough. His speech is equally strange, yet emotional. Piers decides to change his mind and give Leonid one more chance. Leonid is proud to get the second chance. I did a little research on him, mostly to find the intro photo. I discovered he's a major act for Beacher's Madhouse, and his act also involves hula hooping, fire eating, and general drag queenery. This could get good, I'm afraid to say. The next act is Detroit rock band PBM. There a trombonist in the band, and the song and music is pleasant enough. The lead singer just isn't good, unfortunately. Piers X's them, stating the lead singer problem. David and Brandy, of course, put them through. They really need to be less eager to put everyone through just because they're traditionally talented. Backstage, the band says they'll back their frontman throughout. I say they should find out if one of them can sing better. Time for another group to be Regised on stage. Frank Simon (another Beacher's Madhouser) is the first, and Piers X's him before he does anything. Jerk! With his thick Hungarian accent, he balances a motorbike on his mouth. Before he balance the stove, Brandy X's him. After he balances the stove, David X's him. The audience loves him, as do I, but the judges decide to act like morons. David says his mouth hurts. Brandy says the level of talent is not enough. Piers says this is a talent show, not a freak show. Then why did you send Leonid and Dave Smith through? I'm almost fed up with these judges. Miami Beach Beatboxer Matthew Fuhrman combines popping into his act. He's pretty good at first, but after a while it's not as impressive. He gets X'ed out. Piers just wants him to join the Chippendales, but it's a no. Can Michelle L'amour, 26-year-old Chicagoan who holds a finance degree from the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana impress the judges with her Snow White costume? Which she strips off? Well, definitely not Brandy. She X's Michelle herself, and fights the obviously enthralled male judges to X her for them. I really don't get you, Brandy. You thought Bernie Barker was a great act, yet you lambaste Michelle? I am very almost fed up with these judges. Anyway, Piers and David's libidos send her through, and immediately audition to be one of the seven dwarfs. Chris, Matt, and Jackson form martial arts trio Sideswipe. There are twenty world titles between the three of them. And probably twenty thousand girls wanting to date them. There's punching, kicking, flipping, and many other neat feats. It's very entertaining. Piers calls them scary, but he liked it. Brandy calls it magical and energetic. David says, "You kick some ass with class." It's three yeses for the three martial arts champs. Marlon Reynolds, whose hometown is not shown (probably a good thing), moans "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." The judges X him out right away. I now only slightly almost fed up with these braindead boobs they call judges. The final act of the night is 11-year-old Bianca Ryan with "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." One verse into the song, I love her. I thought she would be the overrated young singer of the week (see Alexis Jordan), but if I must join the overrating bandwagon, I must. Brandy calls Bianca her new favorite. Piers says if she changes her hair, dress, and shoes, she will win. They don't need to vote. And I am telling you, she's not going. Home, that is. Bianca is going to Favorite Town! No, Favorite CITY! That's nine more winners we got to see, and some were real winners all right (Leonid, especially). The acts that were not shown but who made it through were The Henville Kids, Daniel Kohler, 10 13 Concept, Aaron Burr (not the guy who shot Hamilton), Sean Ryan, Clarence Donaldson, Billy Genuario, and the King Charles Unicycle Group (another Beacher's Madhouse act). This makes 17 passes from New York. Seriously, that's it? You mean not even the interesting-looking acts not named before the named ones didn't make it? Maybe the judges are compensating for putting through 34 from Los Angeles. Next week is the final show before we get to vote. Source: http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6221.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, July 5: Chicago Hopeless by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/06/2006 It's the final week before America votes, and there are a bunch of questions to ask. Who will advance? Who will waste Piers' time? Why does Lilia Stepanova impress Tyler so much? And why is Tyler so confused by the end of the episode? If you want to know the answers or just need the power of the laughing yoga (right), click away! Hey, you clicked! You like me. You really like me! America's Got Talent is back, and it's showing no signs of stopping, even though there are a few signs of slopping. Let's see if the show has got its act together, shall we? The Reege shows up and re-introduces the judges: David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and Piers Morgan. The judges re-introduce their version of shots of Johnnie Walker – their buzzers. The final stop for the show is Chicago. Wait a minute, I thought they had Atlanta and Miami as well. Oh, no. It's The Reality Show all over again! Backstage, we see people who have traveled a long way to audition. We have Michigan residents, Floridians, Iowans (go Hawkeyes!), Georgians, Wisconsinites, and even Canadians! The talent is just as diverse with singers, hoopers, puppies, grannies, and kids who probably aren't old enough to realize where they are. The first group called this week consists of The Millers, Lilia Stepanova, Mark the Knife, Shawn Crump, John and Owen the Passing Zone, and the Chicago Matadors, who will perform first. Proving loyal to the home team, they dance at Chicago Bulls games. Belly dance, that is. And boy howdy, do they have enough belly for it! These guys make me feel svelte. To the tune of "U Can't Touch This," the Matadors kill something, that's for sure. It's a funny act and sure to please a Bulls crowd, but is it worth a million? Piers and Brandy X them, and David ultimately votes no as well. David states "Can't Touch This" is the operative word, and Piers can think of a few things they haven't touched in a while. Jerk! Regis wants the Matadors to charge Piers, but to no avail. It's a bear market for the Bulls as they get cut. They leave the stage looking for food and saying the judges are just afraid of fat guys. The torch is passed to John and Owen, who call themselves The Passing Zone. They start with juggling bowling balls, and John beans Owen in the head with one! Oh, it's fake. Hah! After the bowl over, John and Owen will juggle six lit torches with Owen on John's shoulders while balancing on a rola bola (“Of Death!”) and wearing blindfolds! Around their necks! They say they’d have to be crazy to wear them around their eyes! The act is more comedic than daring, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good death-defying. David, who evidently is allergic to jugglers, says no. Brandy and Piers, who wants more performer-appropriate attire, were more impressed and the Passing Zone moves to Semifinals Zone. Next up is brother act The Millers with "Sweet Home Alabama." The older brother sings lead and plays guitar. The younger brother plays a very mean harmonica and provides backup vocals. They play well together, and the older one can sing okay. The little harmonica player, unfortunately, can't sing – as Piers points out. Despite that, it's a triple yes for the double rockers. Can 19-year-old contortionist Lilia Stepanova keep the winning streak alive? Judging by looks alone, I hope so! First, she brings a bow and arrow onto a platform and does some contortions to shoot a bullseye with her foot. Next, she shoots a bullseye with her feet – upside down! Don't look now, but Cupid just struck me. Brandy is amazed, and Piers, David, and I were in before she performed at all. Lilia hits the mark and moves on. Shawn Crump has been singing for nine months and believes he's awesome. Oh, this spells disaster. He attempts "Suspicious Minds," and Elvis is rolling over in his UFO. Surprisingly, he isn't X'ed out until a full half-minute. Thankfully, his thirty seconds of fame are over, and Crump the Cramp won't be coming back, despite his threat to return. The next performer is Mark "The Knife" Faje, who bills himself as The World's Most Dangerous Comic. It should be Most Dangerous Juggler, but whatever works. His act is not about juggling multiple objects, but just one. First, he catches a soft ball on the side of his face. No danger there, so he ups the ante with a 13-pound bowling ball thrown from his foot. With steak knives sticking out of the finger holes. And the ball is on fire! But the danger isn't enough for Mark, so he pulls out a black emperor scorpion. He almost mouths the arachnid, but says that's stupid, so he puts the scorpion IN HIS PANTS!! Mark's attempt at juggling stupidity is successful, and the crowd goes wild. David asks where Mark has performed. The Knife says he has performed in seventeen countries, and banned in three: England, Ireland, and Scotland with a trick he promises to perform in the next round. Piers votes yes, and surprisingly David overcomes his juggling allergy and votes yes. I can't wait to see his banned stunt! The next group is called, and the first up is bird caller Sharon Kissane of S. Barrington, Illinois. Her outfit is for the birds, that's for sure. Her calling better not have been collect, because it isn't worth it. Brandy asks, "What the hell was that?" David asks if she was on meds. Jerk! Piers says the only bird he could think of for that act was the cuckoo. This makes it one for three with bird-related acts. Goodbye, Sharon! Time for the obligatory eleven-year-old singing... I mean, yodeling sensation. Her name is Taylor Ware, and if the pigtails and gingham blouse don't give it away, she's a cutie. She learned yodeling from a tape and instruction book during her seven-year-old summer. Her singing is okay, but I've heard better. As for the yodeling, it isn't my thing, but I guess she does a very good job. The audience and judges go crazy for any pre-teen auditioner, and Taylor is no exception. David is amazed how she learned so well from a tape and booklet. The judges yodel their approvals. Can Buster Balloon live out S. Frank Stringham's dream of a balloon entertainer moving on? Unfortunately, the signs are all blowing to "no." His first big balloon pops as he’s trying to climb into it, prompting an X from Piers. He has a back-up, with which he encases himself. As with the Holy Cow from two weeks ago, this could do well with elementary schools but not much else. David and Brandy X him soon enough and his million-dollar bubble is popped. Time for the next group. As if one magnificent performer in a barely-there costume wasn't enough, now we have Flippy the Magnificent of Chicago. Like Leonid, his coverings barely pass the censors. Unlike Leonid, his act is dumb. Very, very, very, very... (ten years later) very dumb. Basically, he acts as a strongman with an equally-freaky male blow-up doll named Raoul. Piers is very quick to X him, so he must have had ESP. David and Brandy aren't far behind. Piers calls him a major waste of time. I think that's enough to tell you Flippy and Raoul won't see another round. The next act is the Stomp-like Playas Club, led by Ed Nelson. Their motto is "To participate in the lives among youth to educate and restore society." Combining dancing, stomping, singing, and clapping, they are a pretty entertaining bunch. Piers X's them because he's a jerk. Brandy and David like them enough to vote them forward, but ask them to tighten up their act for next time. I guess I can see what they mean, but I'll play with the club for now. Adding a huge splash of color to the show is Ramesh Pandey, a.k.a. the Laughing Yogi. The man with a happy heart has been practicing yoga for 45 years, and he believes his calling is to make the world laugh. He's a cool guy, but the act is not right for this show. I bet he sells out classes easily enough, but it just won't work as a stage act, at least not the way I see it tonight. The X'ing and the eliminating is quick. Sorry, buddy. If I'm ever in your neck of the woods, sign me up for a yoga lesson! Finally, we have a couple quick change artists from Chicago. I don't learn their names, so they'll just go by The Quick Change Artists. I've seen acts like this one before. Heck, I may have seen THIS act before, but I'm not sure. Anyway, they're not too bad. Mostly it is the woman quickly switching from one tacky dress and hairstyle to another, but the man swaps suits as well. I've been entertained more before, so I'm not too enthused. Brandy wants to know how they did that, but if they told, Brandy would have to disappear. It's enough for the talking heads as they're quickly through to round two. Three more acts we didn’t see made it through: Kay Turbo, Sonja, and Chadwick. All in all, this makes 61 acts that we will be voting on. How is that supposed to work? That's a lot of acts to vote on, and it's a prime number so it can't be easily divided into groups. Plus, what happened to Atlanta and Miami? Can someone help me out here? I'm very confused. Perhaps this will all be cleared up by next week. See ya then, I hope!

America's Got Talent, July 12: Let There Be Voting by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/13/2006 The semi-finals on America's Got Talent begin with fifteen potential millionaires ready to perform. However, only ten will actually make it to the stage. Does geriatric stripper Bernie Barker (right) have what it takes to earn your votes? Or does he gets stripped out of the line-up? And which act gets David Hasselhoff's knickers in a bunch? Find out inside! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and Boofont Sisters! We've made it to the semi-finals of America's Got Talent. Regis Philbin once again feels the best way to kick off the show is to half-shout every other syllable. Apparently, that's a million-dollar talent in this day and age. As usual, our three judges Larry (David, with a brand new cast on his shaved hand), Moe(sha, Brandy), and Surly (Piers) are here to bring a certain level of credibility shared only by Weekly World News. The Reege-meister explains how the semi-finals work. After all the performances tonight, only two acts will move on to the finals. One will be chosen by the judges, one by the home viewers. With 61 semi-finalists, there will be four groups of 15-16 each. This makes eight total finalists. Is it just me, or is that too small of a number? Unfortunately, only ten acts out of the first fifteen will get to perform tonight. This means five will not make it. The acts performed for the judges only a la American Idol's Hollywood round. After they witness everyone give it their all, the judges choose ten to perform for our votes. I sort of wish they had more than 61 semi-finalists, but at least they're shaving it down to a nice number of forty. Piers introduces the new and improved buzzers. Although they can't stop the act anymore, they now have a new way to show their enthusiasm. If they like the performance, a check mark and positive ding sound will appear. If they feel their time has been wasted, the famous red X and the nasty buzzing sound will appear. I sort of wish they had this in the auditions. If the judges liked an act a lot, they could check it and keep the others from Xing the act for them. As for viewers, there are three methods of voting. Just like American Idol, you can call in your vote (to 1-866-U-LOVE-##, where the pound signs are for the number of the contestant) or text the number of the performer to 97979. Also, you can vote online at nbc.com. There is a limit of 10 votes per method, making a possible total of thirty votes should you have access to all three methods. Although they don't list all fifteen candidates at first, they are eventually revealed in bumpers. In alphabetical order, here are tonight's potential acts: All That, Bernie Barker, Corina Brouder, Hell If I Know, Hoopalicious, Andy Jatenge (or however it's spelled), J.R. Johns, Kevin Johnson, Alexis Jordan, The Millers, The Playas Club, Shawn Ryan, Jessica Sanchez, Vladik, and Taylor Ware. The first act to perform is... Taylor Ware, the 11-year-old yodeler. In confessional, she shows the book she learned yodeling from. At first, she drove her parents crazy with her attempts. When her father saw her perform last Wednesday, he called her with amazement and pride. With that, it's time for Taylor to hopefully yodel her way to a million dollars. I don't know the exact name of the song she's performing, but as a non-fan of yodeling, I must say she's quite entertaining. The yodeling is amazing, especially the high note at the end, and the singing is pretty good, though I've heard better at her age. The pigtails are still cute, though. I still like it a lot, so I'll give her a 8.5 out of 10. David still can't believe she learned how to perform that well from a book, and gives her a check for her presence and style. Brandy appreciates how Taylor found the perfect style for her at such a young age. Check. Piers once thought of Taylor as nothing but a novelty, but now he can see her talent and star quality. Check. Regis claims he could hit that high note as well. He tries, and it's... well, Taylor says she liked it backstage, but he needs "work around the edges." Well said, Taylor. Act #2 is... All That, the creepily attractive clogging troupe. The tall one in the center (presumably the leader) says a group of friends saw them perform on the show and wanted to give their support by holding an AGT party. The dancer on the far left (they never give us names) hopes the audience can get into the act and "have a blast" with them. Tonight, they dance to a song I can only assume is named "Loosen Up My Butt." The clogging tonight is even more impressive than the first time with smooth formation shifts, impressive taps, and solid synergy. Their vest-jeans outfits are sure to tickle the fancy of anyone who cares (I don't). 8 out of 10. Brandy just loves them, so it's a check from her. David says they "took it up a huge notch." Check. Piers is actually disappointed because of their look. What does he expect, tuxedos and crewcuts? Brandy reminds Piers this is America, not England. David asks the audience ladies what their opinion is, and they all scream. Piers wants them to dress up a bit more because he has faith that they can win the million, but he still checks them. The leader says if all it takes to win a million is a change of pants, they'll do it. Backstage, one of the “That” reminds us that the performers don't know who will get called up, so getting your name called is a big relief. Who will perform third? It is... Kevin Johnson, the ventriloquist with his fake feathered friends, Clyde and Matilda. Kevin's grandfather was a magician and he persuaded Kevin to perform as well. He's looking forward to performing because it's a challenge, and he wants America to see more than just ventriloquism. Clyde fake vomits. Last time, Kevin's Godzilla routine was very impressive. Tonight, his act makes us believe his sound check guy is goofing up. He redoes the Godzilla Theater bit with the "bad sound engineer." It's still funny, but overall I'm a bit disappointed. It just seems too similar to his first performance. 6.5 out of 10. Piers is impressed with his vocal talent, but isn't as thrilled with Kevin performing a very similar routine and fears Kevin is a one-trick pony. Kevin says he reperformed the Godzilla Theater bit because David wanted him to top it. I'm not exactly sure that's what David meant. Piers ends up checking him anyway. David is still blown away by Godzilla and appreciates his risk-taking. Check. Brandy just quickly checks him. Regis asks the birds what they think of the judges. Clyde holds his comments for backstage. Matilda loves all the judges, especially "Hasselhunk." Backstage, Kevin wants to let loose and have some more fun with the act. Hold on, slick. First you have to make the final. And with Taylor and All That more entertaining than you, that might not happen. Let's see who's up next... Alexis Jordan, the 14-year-old power singer. She says she sings and dances. I want to see some of that. She got chills when the audience gave her the standing O. Another milestone for Alexis was a fan asking for a photo of the two of them together. She says she'll sing her heart out tonight. She is singing "At Last" (no, not the cloggers). And guess what? I'm sick of this song, too! I'm sorry, Alexis fans, but her low notes really irk me tonight. The high note at the end is even worse. And where was the dancing? 5.5 out of 10. David still believes Alexis needs more training, but he says she's an inspiration for young performers everywhere. Check. Brandy feels Alexis did a great job, but remarks on pitch and run problems. Check. Piers thought the song was too shouty and just the wrong song choice. At this stage, age cannot be an influencing factor – either you amaze the audience or you don't. He still thinks she has the talent to become a young Whitney (that's a good thing?), so he checks her. Sigh. Regis notes that Alexis and her family moved from South Carolina to L.A. once her voice developed. Alexis says that was only two years ago, though she's been singing since two years old. Backstage, Alexis hopes to come back, and if she does, she'll be stronger. Who has the next spot? It is none other than... Vladik, the acrobatic dance juggler. Originally from Russia and now in Vegas, Vladik has performed on stage since age nine. He knows of David's intolerance of jugglers, but he wants to win him over. Vladik's routine tonight combines a whole bunch of impressive flips, splits, and dances, all while juggling. The end has Vladik balancing on a ladder while juggling to his assistant. He throws a ball short and misses the bag, which will come into play later on. I still think his performance kicks seventeen different flavors. 8 out of 10. Brandy asks how Vladik thinks he did. He wanted more time to juggle on the ladder, but he still thought it turned out well. Brandy liked it, so it's a check. Piers was more impressed in the audition, and notes he dropped a ball, which is apparently a felony. He gets the first X of the evening. Jerk! David admits he doesn't think juggling is right for this million-dollar competition. Super jerk! David continues his tirade, and ends up hitting the check button, apparently by accident. Regis corrects the situation that the assistant dropped the ball and not Vladik. Piers says he shouldn't blame his assistant. Uh, Piers, Vladik never blamed his assistant himself. Backstage, Vladik says juggling is hard work and David doesn't know what he's talking about. I agree whole-heartedly. If this show makes it to season two, they need to fire David. And Brandy. And Piers. The judges for this show should have an expansive knowledge of all kinds of stage acts, and these "judges" are officially not right for this. The next act is... Shawn Ryan. This is the first time we've seen him perform. He is a cabaret jazz singer. Executive producer Simon Cowell is already shuddering. Shawn says cabaret was originally intended for smaller venues and is full of storytelling. During his performance, Shawn's story says he stinks! I've heard better singers in high school locker rooms. I can see his voice doing well when he's on. Tonight, it sounds like he was on a cactus. He is pitchy and twitchy and anything else that ends in "itchy." The least impressive act so far by far. 4 out of 10. Piers likes Shawn, but doesn't think he has what it takes to win the competition. Maybe he can make it on a Broadway show, but it's an X from Piers. Brandy notes the huge signs from his "peeps." She liked Shawn more the first time, but she still checks him. I wonder if she's capable of disliking any act that isn't a stripping Snow White. David thinks he was rough and all over the place. "Keep doing what you're doing," but David Xs Mr. Ryan. Shawn tells Regis the two were on a Grammy short-list together, though neither won. I'm not surprised. Backstage, Shawn believes the audience was rooting for him and hopes America is as well. Sorry, Shawn, but you're no Taylor Ware. A new hour and a new act is called up... J.R. Johns & His Best Friends. Tonight, his dogs are rescued boxers Joey and Dottie. He can do a 70-minute show with his dogs, and if it's anything like his audition, I'd love to see it. The act tonight involves J.R. trying to goad the dogs into various acts, but they appear lazy and don't move. There's a clunky magic act with Dottie that doesn't impress anyone. The final trick makes J.R. appear to be balancing on Joey's snout... only to have Joey move out of the way leaving J.R. hanging. The whole act is supposed to appear like it's all falling apart. Those acts rarely impress me (see Kenny Shelton), and this is no exception. 3 out of 10. David loved the audition, but he wasn't impressed tonight. J.R. tries to justify the bomb using David's own words, but Hasselhoff Xs him anyway. Brandy was very disappointed, thinking the dogs were just props and that it didn't connect with the audience. More damage control from J.R. cannot convince Brandy from an X. Piers thought it was cruel. He wants Badger the Jack Russell back. This is the first triple X of the night, and well deserved. This bit might work in the middle of the 70-minute show, but as a standalone, it stunk like dog poop. Regis reminds us how J.R. rescues all of his dogs from animal shelters and how he can train all of the so well. That's nice, but the act was still super weak. Backstage, J.R. asks America to save him and his dogs, which probably won't happen. Act #8 is... Hoopalicious, another first-timer to our eyes. Her real name is Anna, and she's a dancer who utilizes hula hoops in her act, hence her stage name. Her father is a musician and her mother is an activist, so they've always been open to her artistry. She hopes to pay all her bills by "shaking her booty" with her hoops. Her act involves two hoops and flute music. It starts out slow and slinky, then escalates to quick and quirky. She is very entrancing and has a lot of talent. I'm not sure if it's enough for this show, but I love it. 7.5 out of 10. Brandy loved her unique art and gives her a check. David feels she improves each week and is very sensual. Check. Piers just doesn't think this is his bag. "Only man on the planet," says Hoopalicious. Okay, that bumps her score up to 8. Piers wants her to ditch the hoops and become a belly dancer. He checks her, albeit accidentally. Probably subconscious, says David. Regis believes Anna is the envy of all the women in the audience. She suggests hoop dancing to get that kind of body. Backstage, she believes she could have done better, but knows the audience liked it. The penultimate spot is awarded to... Corina Brouder, the singing harpist. Corina is the oldest of five kids. Normally, her family plays with her, but they missed the audition so she went solo. I bet the family act would be even more impressive. Last time, Corina sang an expectedly angelic song. This week, she attempts to rock the stage with "Knocking on Heaven's Door." The singing is good. The harping was good. Together, however, it is a bit like a bologna and gumdrop sandwich. It's edible, but not the tastiest meal option. Good enough for a 6 out of 10. Piers doesn't want her to be Axl Rose's kid sister. Still, it's a check for the beautiful performance. David wanted to close her eyes to listen in full, but he had to watch because she's so beautiful. Check. Brandy was bored and didn't see her skills at their full potential. Brandy gives Corina an X, which surprises Regis and me. Corina tells Regis she normally plays piano with her family band, mostly at weddings in the northeastern states and Canada. Backstage, Corina is flattered by David and Piers' comments. Only one more act can perform tonight. Five hopefuls will be disappointed. The final performer, who must be very excited, is... The Millers. Which means little singer Jessica, breaker Andy, rockers Hell If I Know, clappers The Playas Club, and stripper Bernie (thank whoever you believe in!) are going home without a break. The Millers consist of 20-year-old Cole and 12-year-old LD, who just happens to be the newest member of the Beacher's Madhouse family. LD likes working with his brother because they agree on many things, though they fight quite a bit too. Cole calls LD both annoying and his buddy. Yep, they're brothers all right. Cole is pretty good on the mic and passable as a guitarist, but LD just smashes that harmonica! And thankfully, this time he doesn't sing a word. They work very well together and it makes for an amazing performance. The show obviously saved the best for last. 9 out of 10. Brandy says it straight – "Unbelievable!" Check. David is just speechless. Check. Piers can speak some more. He tells LD to sack his brother and become a harmonica superstar. Mean, but not completely groundless. Cole says he's a drummer more than a guitarist. Try the drums next time, then. David wants them to stick together. Cole says he'll be a great security guard. Piers finally checks them. Regis compares LD to another young performer with a similar hairstyle and confidence by the name of Wayne Newton (sweet!). Backstage, LD is visibly hurt by Piers' "Cole dump" suggestion. The closeness of these two brothers is very admirable. At the end of the performances, I must say that although I'm disappointed to miss out on Andy and Hell If I Know, the snubbing of Bernie Barker made my day. Here's how I rank the ten performances, from best to worst: The Millers Taylor Ware All That Vladik Hoopalicious Kevin Johnson Corina Brouder Alexis Jordan Shawn Ryan J.R. Johns The ten acts show up on stage, in performance order from left to right. Piers states the three acts that impressed them the most – Taylor, All That, and the Millers. Total agreement here. After some debate, Brandy announces that the first finalist is... THE MILLERS!! Now, it's up to America to choose the second finalist. I personally hope you voted for either Taylor or All That. I wouldn't mind Vladik or Hoopalicious making it, though. I also hope they pull a twist on us and send two more to the final round. I mean, this show has already made some changes (like changing tonight's show from 90 minutes to 2 hours unexpectedly). Next week's fourteen hopefuls (that's it? Maybe they'll have sixteen the next two weeks after) are Rialis, At Last, Natasha Lee, Dave the Horn Guy, Rabbi Baptiste, Sugar & Spice, Mark the Knife, The Hampville Kids, Clarence Donaldson, Vladimir Malachikhin, PBM, N-Versity, Kay Turbo, and Leonid the Magnificent. Presumably, ten of these hopefuls will perform for our acceptance while four will be rejected beforehand.

America's Got Talent, July 13: Egg On Your Face by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/14/2006 Last night, America voted on nine acts. Tonight, one of them will receive a coveted spot in the million dollar final. Tyler is rooting for Taylor Ware (right), while David Bloomberg would prefer Kevin Johnson. Also, what do tennis rackets, jump ropes, opera, and blows to the head have to do with anything? Find out inside! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and puppies! This is the first results show of America's Got Talent. How will the producers fill thirty minutes of a show designed to tell one act good news? That job belong to our host Regis Philbin. Reege, who's donning a very distracting beige jacket, asks for "some love for the big Hasselhoff." Ooh, why did my stomach just churn? Brandy and Putz Morgan are also introduced. We begin with a recap of last night's show. Taylor and Alexis are shown as the young high points (I disagree about Alexis). We see Piers complain about All That's wardrobe and David compliment Hoopalicious' improvement. Vladik and J.R. Johns are shown as low points. The night ended with The Millers, who despite rave reviews earned a scathing "dump the older brother" suggestion from Piers. However, the Millers also earned their spot in the finale. Fresh off their advancement, the Miller brothers get to perform an encore for us. They reprise their audition song, "Sweet Home Alabama." The more I listen to them, the more I actually have to agree with Piers. Cole as a singer and guitarist just isn't that awesome. LD, on the other hand, is a force on the harmonica. He and Taylor Hicks should get together. Heck, LD and Taylor Ware would make a good duo. As Regis notes, some acts were just too “out there” to advance. Still, they are interesting enough for a small contest tonight. Four acts will perform right now. There is no prize other than bragging rights. Hey, a minute or two on NBC is worth it, right? Right? Act #1 is Kevin Gordon, a contortionist I've seen before elsewhere. Wearing an extremely tacky wildcat-print body suit, Kevin squeezes himself through three tennis rackets (no strings, of course) and into a tiny box. Regis calls the box "the size of a New York apartment." Really? I could have sworn that box was bigger. Act #2 is 53-year-old James Thompson, who will attempt to break his record of 20 jumps with a jumprope while having three lovely ladies clinging to him. The clinging alone is worth a million! James makes 22 jumps, and falls over! I would have fallen in five seconds just from the girls. And that's before they cling to me! Act #3 is Rudi Macaggi. He will sing the "inexplicable aria 'I Like You.'" The music is obviously taped and the huge gut is obviously fake, but his acrobatics are very real, very weird, and very entertaining. I like you, Rudi! Certainly a lot better than some acts who passed the judges (I'm looking at you, Shawn Ryan!). The final act is Mike Lloyd. He can kick himself in the head. Really. Sammy Davis, Jr. must be proud. He can crush cans, pop balloons, break eggs, and more by kicking his own head. Sometimes this show makes me want to kick my head. The audience has electronic pads numbered 1-4. I sort of wish they had something like this in the auditions. My idea is the audience could check or X an act, and once one-fifth or so of the audience votes a certain way (i.e. 20% have checked or Xed an act), a check or X appears. If the audience loves an act the judges hated, they can outvote them. But I digress. And the winner is... Rudi Macaggi! I'm not surprised, since he was the most fun to watch. Regis will now announce the two most popular acts to step forward. And he does it very awkwardly. Maybe the teleprompter isn’t working. The first is... Taylor Ware! The second is... All That! Why am I not surprised at all? David says America made the right choice. David wants the act who does make it to hire the one that doesn't. After the break (of course), we will find out who moves on. Now that commercials are over, it's finally time to discover America's finalist. Unfortunately, we must witness Regis stumble through the announcement. Honestly, I prefer Julie Chenbot – and she totally screwed up the HOH announcement just an hour or so before Reege was messing up here! Anyway, congratulations, and very deservedly so, to... TAYLOR WARE!! Performing the same song that brought her to the finale last night, Taylor yodels us out of the show. I guess this means there is no "two voted through" twist. Sorry, All That.

America's Got Talent, July 19: Russian Roulette by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/20/2006 Another fifteen talented acts hope to impress the judges and America enough to join the Millers and Taylor Ware in the final round. With only ten spots to give away, they have to really bring it to survive. Will Russian imports Leonid and Vladimir make it to the stage, or will the judges say "nyet" and prefer Bobby Badfingers (right)? Let's find out! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and dolls. The second week of semi-finals is here! Tonight, the following 15 acts have the chance to make the million-dollar finale: At Last, Bobby Badfingers (who wasn't announced last week), Dave the Horn Guy, Clarence Donaldson, The Hampville Kids, Natasha Le, Leonid the Magnificent, Vladimir Malachikhin, Mark the Knife, N'Versity, PBM, Rabbi Baptiste, Realis, Sugar-N-Spice, and Kay Turbo. Unlike last week, Regis actually tells us all fifteen before the show began so I don’t have to wait until the pre-commercial bumpers. Of course, we got a list last week (minus Bobby, of course), so that makes two rosters compared to zero. I notice that we have seen seven of these acts already, and eight are completely new to us. This means we will see at least two acts we've seen already and possibly all seven. I definitely feel At Last will be on tonight, as will Mark the Knife, who promised his banned act. The 15 acts performed exclusively for judges David Hasselhoff, Brandy, and Piers Morgan (whom I'm seriously considering calling Jerk from here on). The three then chose ten acts to perform tonight, leaving five in the company of Bernie Barker and Flippy the Magnificent. Before I actually start the good stuff, I'd like to correct and/or comment on three points from last week's recaps. 1) The song All That danced to was "Buttons" by The Pussycat Dolls. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that I didn't recognize the song, despite it playing on the radio quite a bit. 2) I said At Last were the cloggers when Alexis started singing "At Last." At Last is actually the hip-hop-apella group that may or may not perform tonight. My bad. 3) If Donna Reynolds is right, L.D. Miller has performed with Taylor Hicks. That would really be something to hear! Also, I have decided to adopt the recapping format used by recappers of American Idol and various other shows. After introducing the act and, if applicable, announcing the song sung or danced to, I'll recap each judge's individual thoughts, followed by my own sentiments. Enough chitchat, time for some action! The first act chosen to perform tonight is... Dave the Horn Guy! Dave Enns is married, has three kids with one on the way, and is called "Horn Guy" by his daughter all the time. His wife told him not to come back without the million dollars. Say goodbye, Dave. Tonight, he has the live band and a special backpack to help him out with his medley of "Play That Funky Music" and "The Star-Spangled Banner." David: Very patriotic, and you would be a hit on Hollywood boulevard, but X. Brandy: The act was just too corny. X. Piers: That was the most annoying act on the planet. This show is looking for a million-dollar Vegas talent, not a two-dollar subway act. X. Tyler: "Play That Funky Music" was pretty bad. The band completely overshadowed the horns, and Dave just plain can't sing. "The Star-Spangled Banner" was much better with the flags and the confetti. I enjoyed it much more than the judges did and don't think he quite deserved the triple X. With a little more effort, this could be a sell-out show. Until then, 6 out of 10. Dave ask Regis to pull the last string, hoping to hit the judges with confetti. He misses, so I have to dock him to a 5.5. Regis reminds the voters not to vote until the end of the show, since people have been doing so. Backstage, Dave pleads for America's vote, since the only way the judges will send him through is if this becomes another American Idol 3 Group Two. The second act is... Realis, a first-time act for our eyes! Arthur Davis and Shanay Booth are acrobatic gymnastics. Together, Realis has won two world gymnastics competitions and three nationals. Shanay must literally put her life into Arthur's hands as he tosses and flips her all around. They're not a couple per se, but they are "soul mates" according to Shanay. Tonight, we see their act. There's more dancing than I thought there would be, but the tossing and balancing take center stage. Brandy: That was fantastic. They were telling a story with their movements. Enjoyed it a lot. Check. David: They stepped it up a lot since last time. They make everyone happy and are very creative. Check. Piers: They are what this show is about. They enjoy themselves and don't make mistakes. Check. Tyler: It was definitely a spectacle. Quick, beautiful and scary at the same time. I love this duo, and unless the other acts blow me out of the water, I hope they move on. 8.5 out of 10. Regis loves Arthur throwing Shanay over his head. He says he and David do it all the time. Backstage, Realis believes they owned the stage. I agree, and hopefully it's not a timeshare. And now for act number three... At Last! Told ya they'd perform! They felt great after their audition, and they hope to duplicate their success this week. The four guys' parents all immigrated to the U.S. (don't get uptight, I'm sure they were legal) and sacrificed a lot for them, so they want to pay them back. Tonight, they sing "Let's Stay Together," a song I'm only slightly sick of. Piers: "You guys really irritate me; I was trying to sleep, and all I could hear was you guys practicing." There is no other act who wants to win more, and probably no other act who deserves to win more. Check. David: They just keep taking it up notch after notch, and no one else could possibly beat them. Check. Brandy: Disagree; there are some acts who really deserve to win (Taylor and the Millers), but the guys are tight and deserve the finals. Check. Tyler: If anyone could make a stale song fresh, it's these guys. I want to buy the single! A definite 9 out of 10. They sing a little ditty for Regis before they leave the stage, and although it's great, I'm not giving them any bonus points for blatant butt-kissing. Backstage, the guy in the hat says he was scared when Piers called them "irritating," but then they got the good response and all was right with the world. Can the next act possibly follow At Last as well? It is... Natasha Le, a pint-sized, precocious piano prodigy! The eight-year-old San Diego girl has played piano since three and her parents have sacrificed a lot for her. Last time, Piers said she made too many mistakes. Hopefully, she won't goof up on... well, if anyone knows the name of the piece (I recognize it, but can’t name it), feel free to put me in my place. David: She didn't miss a note and obviously practiced a lot (Natasha practices three hours a day). Check. Brandy: Hasn't seen many eight-year-olds who can play like that. Check. Piers: Spent most of the performance watching Natasha's mother. Never seen a more nervous woman. Mr. Morgan has played for 40 years and isn't nearly as good as Miss Le. Check. Tyler: Yes, it's a difficult song to play, but I'm just not as enthused with anyone playing a song everyone knows. She is very good for eight, but until she starts composing her own songs, she's not a winner yet. Perhaps I'm not getting the point, but I'll give her a 7 out of 10. Natasha tells Regis that she did her best and hopes the judges pick her to move on. Backstage, Natasha just really wants to move to the final. She was so excited when Regis called her name. Isn't she precious? Are we due for a bomb of a performance, or will the goodness continue? Here to answer the question is... Vladimir, who I must thank for dropping the last name! The hand balancer from Las Vegas has performed since he was five and started hand-to-hand with his father. Vladimir, who has a slight fear of heights, will be performing on a seven-foot-tall pyramid apparatus. Brandy: Liked it more the first time, but it was still entertaining. Check. David: I like the choice of music; it adds to the fluidity. Check. Piers: The problem as he sees it: this is not the Olympics. The first act was very theatrical, but this was too gymnastic. Vladimir should consider becoming a gymnast. X. Tyler: Vlad, buddy, if this show doesn't work out for you, call Cirque du Soleil. I agree with Piers that the artistry of this routine was severely lacking. I just wasn't as entertained as I could have been, but I still liked the acrobatics. I'll balance it out to a 6.5 out of 10. Regis lets us know that Vladimir's parents worked for the Moscow Circus. Uh, cool? Backstage, Vladimir's speech is another boring "did my best, vote for me" spiel. Zzz... We're halfway through the performances, and only half of those waiting yet will get to show their stuff. So it's very good news for... Bobby Badfingers! Bob Von Merta, a professional snappist of twenty years, says he's the only professional snappist anywhere. Bobby notes that the snapping can get annoying after a while. As a child, his parents thought it was cool at first, but then forced him to wear gloves. Still, he thanks his mother because without her, he'd be in too much trouble to make it this far. Tonight, Bobby will perform to "Conga." David: Everyone on the street keeps asking about Bobby. Terrific. Check. Brandy: Very entertained and a fan. Check. Piers: Everything about Bobby should be annoying akin to Dave the Horn Guy, but he's a guilty pleasure like watching Baywatch. Check. Tyler: The dancing is still cheesy, but oddly entertaining. The snapping is awesome as usual. Too bad there was more dancing than snapping, but overall a worthy act. 7 out of 10. Regis asks Bobby how he started out snapping. Bobby said he was four when he discovered flamenco. He couldn't see the castanets, so his parents told him they were snapping so he had something to keep his ADHD busy. Backstage, Bobby asks America to make a "snap" decision. I have made a decision: I want one of those Badfingers starter kits! Speaking of sevens, the next act to perform is... Sugar-N-Spice! They are singers, dancers, and sisters. The mother, who doesn't perform, says she doesn't push her kids to perform as many people think. With nine people in the family, it can get a little tough to support everyone. The girls want to win the million so they can buy a house and leave the motel circuit. They perform the single most predictable number in the world, "We Are Family." Brandy: She loves the girls, but honestly, they need more development and lessons. X. Piers: You're not great singers and dancers yet. The good news, Piers has always been a sucker for sweet, cheeky girls. Check. David: Sugar-N-Spice probably won't make it to the end, but they have won the hearts of America. Check. Tyler: The older girls are pretty good singers despite their inexperience. The middle two can dance pretty well also. The youngest girls are just adorable. Unfortunately, the Jackson Five they are not. Overall, not bad, but not worth a million dollars yet. I'm sure state fairs would love them. 6 out of 10. Regis asks for the ages of the sweet, cheeky girls. Although I don't know names, the ages are, from left to right, 10, 4, 6, 9, 3, and 12. Backstage, Mommy is absolutely proud of her girls. She should be. And now, for something completely different... a little chatter with the judges. Regis is sometimes surprised how David talks to the judges. Brandy jokes about feeling "terrible" sitting between Piers and David. Really, she loves it. She actually agrees with what Piers says a lot, just now how he says it. Piers asks if he loved the way she "booed" the girls. Brandy admits she loves them, but just doesn't feel they deserved a check. Okay, now we can get to the eighth act... N'Versity! The members are three perky teenage girls named Cassie, 17, Candy, 17, and BB, 16. Cassie loves performing with her girls because one smile from them can stop a nervous spell. Candy can feel her heart pounding harder every minute before performing. She doesn't want to go home without performing. They sing a song I don't know a cappella. Brandy: They can do better. The girls just don't seem to have chemistry like Destiny's Child or the Supremes. They can sing, though. Trying too hard with the clothes; they look like they're thirty. (What's a good word for a female jerk that doesn't start with 'B'?) Subconscious, accidental Check. Piers: Great chemistry, very sexy, great job. Check. David: You guys are going to give At Last a run for their money (Brandy is shocked). Chemistry could be better, but Check. Tyler: First of all, I think Brandy is just jealous. She's not the teen sensation she once was, but she doesn't need to take it out on N'Versity. Still, they were not quite as harmonious or as entertaining as All That. Still, it was a very good job. Not quite an 8 for me, so I'll say 7.75 out of 10. Regis asks how they got their name. BB says it's a combination of "unity" and "diversity." And I guess "University" just wouldn't work since they're still high schoolers. Backstage... well, I can't really tell what they say since all three girls are jabbering on at the same time. Only two slots are left, and one belongs to... Mark the Knife! "The World's Most Dangerous Comic" actually started as an actor/model, but then learned juggling at 12. The act tonight is the one banned in England, Scotland, and Ireland! It involves a lawn mower, with an opener involving a doll. Jerk: Pathetic. X. Lady Jerk: He did a good job. She wants to see Piers balance a lawn mower on his chin. Unfortunately, she doesn't think it will move on to the final round. X. David: Gallagher made a living doing stuff like this, and so can Mark. Most likely not a finalist, but entertaining. Check. Tyler: He balanced a running lawn mower on his chin! And shredded lettuce in it! That deserves an 8 out of 10! Smeg off, Piers and Brandy! Regis asks if the scorpion last time was real. Mark says it was, and we can go to the NBC website to see it. Nice plug, Knife Boy. Backstage, Mark says he expected Piers to criticize him, due to his banning in England. "Maybe they just don't like dangerous stuff." I guess if you don't consider Shakespeare life-threatening, Mark's right. Last week, The Millers made good in the final slot. Maybe it will happen again with... Leonid the Magnificent! Originally from Siberia, Leonid moved to New York where more people don't mind a freakishly tall man wearing sequins and feather boas. Last time, Leonid got very emotional and squeezed into the semis. He wants America to accept him and put him through. This week, he's wearing an ensemble of pink feathers and a pretty sheer body suit. At least it's better than the wings and loincloth. First, he gives his feathers to Regis (you look good, Philbin!), and then performs a routine with a cube baton and a few acrobatics. Brandy: Leonid has a presence to be a star, but his performance was a bit boring. X. David: He likes that Leonid changed his look from "Victoria's Secret from Hell." Great job. Check. Piers: "You remind me of the period in January after Christmas where the tree is pointless." X. Tyler: He's definitely versatile in his talent and I bet his entire show is a blast. Should he not make it here, I'd love to see him at Beacher's Madhouse. However, what I saw tonight makes me feel he stole the spot from one of the acts who we never got to see, like Kay Turbo. 5.5 out of 10. Leonid thanks the judges for their thoughts, but he just cannot accept their opinions. Boy, what a diva! Backstage, Leonid says America will decide what they like and what they don't. Sorry, Leonid, but tonight I don't think you belong in the former category. With the ten acts chosen, this means little Kay, not-so-little Clarence, the Hampville Kids, Motor City rockers PBM, and Cowboy Troy wannabe Baptiste have been tossed aside like the red team's lamb from Hell's Kitchen. As for the ten we did get to see, here's my rankings: At Last Realis Mark the Knife N'Versity Natasha Le Bobby Badfingers Vladimir Dave the Horn Guy Sugar-N-Spice Leonid the Magnificent Overall, I thought it was a very talent-filled evening. Though there were a few disappointments, no one pulled a Shawn Ryan or a J.R. Johns. Interestingly, last week's bookend performers made it to the final. This week, I thought they saved the weakest for last, and the first act didn't really wow me, either. It's time for the announcement of the judges' pick. Piers says this isn't American Idol. The show is not just looking for "the best singer" or whatever, but they want a diversity of talent in the final. Thus, they're going to wait until tomorrow to announce their pick. As for America's choice, I'm more than certain they'll choose At Last. I feel the judges will then turn to either Realis or Natasha as their pick, though Bobby may surprise. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6270.art&page=1

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